Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles
I don’t know what to say. I stood in a kitschy shop today and while reading cards ranging from sappy to poignant to irreverent, the tears came. So I paid and got the hell out and proceeded to wonder what the hell had gotten into me. While wandering an outdoor shopping center waiting for my dinner to be ready for pickup, I realized…
I could blame my tears on All I Ever Wanted.
On June 14, 2010, I cried. A lot. June 25 pretty much sucked, too. June 30th blew. July wasn’t so great but getting better, as when you’re trying to mend a broken heart, you find everything from cupcakes to shit in your basement and filing past due taxes to be of the utmost import. If nothing else, I was busy. Busy is good. Finding a way to breathe again – that would be better.
September’s here and my business, clients, projects and friends – it’s All I Ever Wanted. I don’t wake up in the morning feeling as if I lack, and while the other side of my bed remains empty (by design), I can breathe again. Maybe it’s the hot yoga I’ve started taking (while today’s class reeked of stale scrotum and lavender) and the completely relaxed yet periodically pissed-off sensation I get before, during and after each class. Every day I can do something I couldn’t do the class prior but I never fail to find something else at which I’m a complete tard. Like half moon pose. I’ve got chair pose down and can hang there all day while the class seethes like a pressure cooker. Half moon? More like full nimrod. But fuck it. I can breathe and for an hour a few times a week, my only goal is to breathe (a goal I wish I’d set years ago).
So, back to All I Ever Wanted. Two of my best friends are pregnant – sharing their joy is soul food. My inbox is full of current and new business. Some clients are being…well, fired. Others are coming in and pulling up a chair, staying awhile.
I’m on the verge of two ridiculously exciting professional endeavors. My dogs haven’t shit on the rug or peed inside in almost a month and the cats (aged 12) seem to have found a food that flows only one direction. Big Dog hasn’t eaten any more of the fence. Small Dog, while having eaten my entire salad earlier this week, has eased up on the yappy crap barking. If something supposed to be in retrograde, well, I’m missing it.
And now the question: what do I do with All I Ever Wanted? It scares the living shit out of me. Hoping to have it, lamenting because you don’t, commiserating with others who lack – well, that’s a metric fuck ton easier than actually facing measurable success in the face and giving it a proper greeting.
I’m trying to think back to my formative years. Gah – who am I kidding? I’m still in my formative years (and hope to never leave them). My childhood. My parents were epic. Supportive. Congratulatory. Encouraging. I didn’t get paid for reciting Bible verses or bringing home good grades – I got encouraged to do more…do different. So when the hell along the way from 13 to 37-ish did I feel like I didn’t deserve to look success in the face and give it a high five? Maybe it likes Dexter and wants to join me on the sofa for a Netflix Night. So I decided to stare it in the face, hand it a glass of Peach Fresca and white wine and pop in Season 4. And the damnedest thing happened: aside from discovering that the above beverage combination is simultaneously white trash and damn tasty (kinda like those wine coolers that used to come in the 2-liter bottles – you know you got shitfaced on them in high school), All I Ever Wanted stayed right there next to me the whole time. It didn’t get up and leave. It even seemed to settle in – once I let it.
All I Ever Wanted is sitting here next to me on my sofa right now and it’s strangely comforting. Like a lover who brings me flowers when I least expect them and can make me giggle without saying a word. It’s got dimples to die for and spoons me at night while I sleep. It inspires me and most importantly, it reminds me that there’s a difference between resting and losing momentum. That momentum – damn, y’all. It’s crystal meth without all the fucked-up teeth-rotting bullshit action. It’s better than Five Hour Energy Drink shots: it’s the never-waning charge that challenges you to think, regroup, realign and get going. While I haven’t trained it to bring me my morning latte, I’m okay with getting it my damn self. I’m motivated to do so.