Big People Pants – Now On Sale!

big people pantsOn Saturday of this past weekend, I was sitting at the dog park with the pups after a happy hour the night previous had turned into a happy evening and then a happy night. Basking in the sun and hoping to bake away the remnants of the whisky left in my system, I caught a tickle in my nose and let out a sneeze.

The sneeze threw my entire neck out. Apparently at 38, I’m geriatric as fuck and of the age where sneezing can cause grievous bodily harm. Hence you’ll have to forgive me if this post is a bit rambling – god bless my friends with access to prescription pain pills that do wonders for pain but fuckall for actual sleep. Right – back to the Big People Pants.

There are few things I love in this world more than being 38-years-old. My pets are (collectively) one of those. Feeling the wind in my face while on my bike? Yep, that’s another. Knowing I could have quit something but didn’t – uh huh. That’s a bit of awesomesauce on a Hells Yeah cake, too. But one of the reasons I love being the borked-neck 38-year-old I am?

I have a great collection of Big People Pants.

You can only buy them at one particular store in your area – the stores are worldwide and there’s one near you. It’s called the Owning Your Shit Emporium and it’s a pretty swank little operation. At the door, there’s a counter where you are required to check your shit at the door. Once you enter, you can wander about everything they have to offer like the Matched Luggage department (they don’t sell baggage), the Big Girl Panties section, a whole collection of western boots for people who need to Cowboy the Fuck Up. You can even pick up a few Pots to Piss In next to the wall display of violins. The centerpiece of the entire store, however, is the Big People Pants section.

While the name might imply otherwise, Big People Pants fit everyone. They come in sleek boot cuts and wide leg styles, ideal for pairing with a pair of Don’t Screw With Me stilettos.There are also those uber-trendy skinny jean styles that only look good on guys sporting heroin-chic or girls who need to eat a cheesecake or two. Khakis, cargo styles…I swear I’ve even seen shants (see definition 2). There’s no excuse for not getting a few pairs of Big People Pants on account of size, style or color – they’re 100% customizable and I’ve never seen anyone leave the store without a treasure or two.

Now, you’re talking to a gal who’s a committed bargain hunter. Nordstroms Rack, Marshalls and TJ Maxx come bearing the latest fashions but they don’t carry Big People Pants no matter how many times I bop in for a rifling through the racks. And sure – it’s fashionable to be whiny and go with the flow. Friends who bitch about their job, not having any money or how utterly deplorable their lives are – hey! Misery loves company. It’s so much easier to strut around in the latest fashions, emotionally and physically, than to take time and plan how you’re going to kick some ass and do something funky with your bad self.

And the Owning Your Shit Emporium…well, it’s not for everyone. There’s no in-store credit card and they don’t have a return policy (because they don’t need one). They only accept cash as payment in full and there are no shopping bags – that’s because whatever you buy there is easy to carry. Let’s face it – the only time you need shopping bags is to carry all of the unruly bullshit you didn’t need anyways.

So maybe it’s time to own your shit and hop on over to the store to buy some Big People Pants. There’s always a sale going on so there’s no excuses about being strapped for cash. Grabbing a pair or two never involved going into debt or being stuck with something that doesn’t fit and you never have to worry about the return policy being nonexistent because they’re guaranteed to fit! It’s eco-friendly since there are no shopping bags and even if you fill up your cart with other things, they’ll all definitely be matchy-matchy because that’s how everything in the store is designed. And if you can’t seem to find the store in Google Maps, that’s easy enough to fix. Just pull your head out of your ass – that’s usually what does it for me when I can’t find it.

35 comments
Sam Turri
Sam Turri

Thanks Erika. I just read Ash's post and this one...and I think it's time to go shopping.

Shelly
Shelly

When I first started reading this - my comment in my head was "I sure do love my Big People Pants, but I sure wish I could still wear short shorts without feeling stupid".. Then I finished and all I have to say is:  What an utterly spectacular post! - LOVE IT

term paper writing
term paper writing

Usefull post thanks for work hard on this article! Alot of them need this!

Leon Noone
Leon Noone

G'Day Erika, You'll be pleased to know that I've had an Own Your Own Shit Emporium for years. And it keeps getting bigger! But it's my shit. Whether that's good or bad, I'm not sure. But I don't think I wanna find out... Regards Leon

Jenni
Jenni

Love this...and sadly I think I am need to a return trip to the Owning Your Own Shit Emporium

Francisco Pavez
Francisco Pavez

You got a spy up here telling what I'm not doing? I got shit I don't know what to do with, and I know I prayed for a burning bush to tell me what the deal is, but it still comes as a bit of a surprise when the booming voice is in the for of a slap all the way from Denver. In any case, I shall pull my head out and look for my local Owning Your Shit Emporium. Cheers.

Cherry
Cherry

I have Big People Pants that I wear almost every day and mine now come with an elastic waistband.

PJ Mullen
PJ Mullen

I was there the other day and bought some big people jeggings. They are awkwardly snug, yet comforting all at the same time.

Tamara Young
Tamara Young

Big People Pants worn with Don't Fuck with me Stilettos....brilliant!  Wonder if the Own Your Shit Emporium carries  Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders for the Inflated Balls of Ego? 

Lissa Duty
Lissa Duty

Erika, this post is great! Love it! Can't add anything else to it!  I am now going to go put on my "Big People Pants" and tell anyone in my life can't find theirs talk a long walk off a very short peer! LOL! #LoveYou as always!

Lewis LaLanne aka Nerd #2
Lewis LaLanne aka Nerd #2

Just read a book who's entire focus revolved around stepping into a pair of Big People Pants - "Stop Acting Rich: Start Living Like a Real Millionaire" by Thomas Stanley. This is the Millionaire Next Door guy who's studies have revealed that the vast majority of people in America who are actually millionaires do exactly what you do and shop at TJ Maxx, Nordstrom Rack and hell even Walmart for their clothes. "Stop Acting Rich" shows how most people you see driving super expensive cars, buying expensive liquor, or wearing/accessorizing lavishly... FINANCE ALL OF THAT SHIT or are one or two missed pay checks away from being in serious trouble because they're putting on a show... simply acting rich. These wannabes spend like people who are ultra rich who instead of driving one leased entry line Mercedes, own a his and hers of the top end models, a Porsche, a hummer, and a Land Rover. These ultra rich people buy all of the toys and yet, they still live below their means. Stanley has found that this is just a small percentage of millionaires in America and yet this is who the majority likes to mimic. This book was a big ole bitch slap for me to stop some of my retarded habits (buying full price, timeless styles of clothes for full price) and then you come along and help drive the point home even further telling me to go get me some Big People Pants. Thanks Erika!

Kolla
Kolla

Trying on a pair as we speak.  And boy, do they make my ass look great :)

Trudy
Trudy

Since I am an actual adult and wearing my big people pants, I know that swearing in it of itself is not bad (ooo...shivers),  those words ARE in fact WORDS and can be used for literary genius the way you do or to curse someone out in a negative, unhelpful way. It's all in the use, not the words themselves in this case.  Also, since I am a grown-up I don't cry over swear words but then spend 12 hours talking about Weiner's weiner. I say this since many people I see on Twitter who cry about swear words cannot get enough of the Weiners and Palins of the world. I think that is a bigger problem then language. LOL.ANYWAY, great post...I love the extended metaphor of the pants and the phrase "whole collection of western boots for people who need to Cowboy the Fuck Up" made my eyes water in laughter this morning. A photog friend of mine says "Panty Up" but same sentiment I suspect. Sometimes going to the Owning Your Shit Emporium is scary though. Introspection and realizations don't always end in smiles right away so the fear is there. But it's worth it though methinks.

Dietbydesign
Dietbydesign

To Bad you have to swear, you're a great writer.

Annie Sisk
Annie Sisk

I would so move into the OYSE and camp out there like Natalie Portman in that awful movie.  'Cept instead of giving birth to a girl and naming her after a freakin' country, I'd give birth to myself. (And I hope you enjoyed that, 'coz that's as poetic as I get at 10 in the morning.)

Ellen Berg
Ellen Berg

I love the store but keep wishing they'd let me buy a few gifts for people I know.  Sadly, they have a no gift policy. :(

Sam Turri
Sam Turri

Also, re: borked-neck. If that's not on Urban Dictionary, it should be.

The Redhead
The Redhead

Yeah. I have no fucking idea what this means. You're this close to being blacklisted on this site, sugarbritches. Can you bring something to the table? If not, go find another blog to spam. I can't even whitelist you because you keep spewing incoherent comments.

The Redhead
The Redhead

It's right around the corner to your left ;)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Yes...what Trudy said. Thank you, lady.

Mari Kurisato
Mari Kurisato

She doesn't have to. It's like orgasms. No one HAS to have them, but they do spice life up considerably. You should try it. Swearing, I mean. It's fucking awesome. 

The Redhead
The Redhead

That's why there's the back arrow on your browser - so you can go back to where you came from ;) It's like the off button on your TV remote and the channel changer on your radio. I never claim to write for everyone - I'm sure you'll find plenty out there that suits your tastes.

Janine
Janine

Oh, I know those people too! However, I'm too busy shopping for myself to worry about them. Usually.

The Redhead
The Redhead

Yeah, I know. Unfortunately it's a completely self-serve shop. I would have kept the gift wrap line locked down long ago!

The Redhead
The Redhead

Fucking is awesome, too, now that I think of it. Great point, Mari.

Tamara Young
Tamara Young

I love your response.  May I please borrow it please?  I'll do it justice, I promise.  

Annie Sisk
Annie Sisk

WO0T!1! (cannot BELIVE I just did hacker-speak. Something is seriously wrong with this coffee...)

Annie Sisk
Annie Sisk

Can think of several peeps who could use a pair ... but you're right. In this instance, 'tis far better to give to one's self (oneself? whatever.)

Trackbacks

  1. […] they’re hard, or because you think you’re too old for social media. Or, you can put on your Big People Pants and hop off the hamster wheel you were totally just called out for being […]

  2. […] they’re hard, or because you think you’re too old for social media. Or, you can put on your Big People Pants and hop off the hamster wheel you were totally just called out for being […]

  3. […] Big People Pants – Now on Sale! “You can only buy them at one particular store in your area – the stores are worldwide and there’s one near you. It’s called the Owning Your Shit Emporium and it’s a pretty swank little operation. At the door, there’s a counter where you are required to check your shit at the door. Once you enter, you can wander about everything they have to offer like the Matched Luggage department (they don’t sell baggage), the Big Girl Panties section, a whole collection of western boots for people who need to Cowboy the Fuck Up. You can even pick up a few Pots to Piss In next to the wall display of violins. The centerpiece of the entire store, however, is the Big People Pants section.” ~Erika Napoletano at Redhead Writing […]

  4. […] on the list today is a post I love from Redhead Writing.  It’s about big people pants,  and I should warn you the language is a bit salty,  but the thought is right on the […]

  5. […] they’re hard, or because you think you’re too old for social media. Or, you can put on your Big People Pants and hop off the hamster wheel you were totally just called out for being […]