On Saturday of this past weekend, I was sitting at the dog park with the pups after a happy hour the night previous had turned into a happy evening and then a happy night. Basking in the sun and hoping to bake away the remnants of the whisky left in my system, I caught a tickle in my nose and let out a sneeze.
The sneeze threw my entire neck out. Apparently at 38, I’m geriatric as fuck and of the age where sneezing can cause grievous bodily harm. Hence you’ll have to forgive me if this post is a bit rambling – god bless my friends with access to prescription pain pills that do wonders for pain but fuckall for actual sleep. Right – back to the Big People Pants.
There are few things I love in this world more than being 38-years-old. My pets are (collectively) one of those. Feeling the wind in my face while on my bike? Yep, that’s another. Knowing I could have quit something but didn’t – uh huh. That’s a bit of awesomesauce on a Hells Yeah cake, too. But one of the reasons I love being the borked-neck 38-year-old I am?
I have a great collection of Big People Pants.
You can only buy them at one particular store in your area – the stores are worldwide and there’s one near you. It’s called the Owning Your Shit Emporium and it’s a pretty swank little operation. At the door, there’s a counter where you are required to check your shit at the door. Once you enter, you can wander about everything they have to offer like the Matched Luggage department (they don’t sell baggage), the Big Girl Panties section, a whole collection of western boots for people who need to Cowboy the Fuck Up. You can even pick up a few Pots to Piss In next to the wall display of violins. The centerpiece of the entire store, however, is the Big People Pants section.
While the name might imply otherwise, Big People Pants fit everyone. They come in sleek boot cuts and wide leg styles, ideal for pairing with a pair of Don’t Screw With Me stilettos.There are also those uber-trendy skinny jean styles that only look good on guys sporting heroin-chic or girls who need to eat a cheesecake or two. Khakis, cargo styles…I swear I’ve even seen shants (see definition 2). There’s no excuse for not getting a few pairs of Big People Pants on account of size, style or color – they’re 100% customizable and I’ve never seen anyone leave the store without a treasure or two.
Now, you’re talking to a gal who’s a committed bargain hunter. Nordstroms Rack, Marshalls and TJ Maxx come bearing the latest fashions but they don’t carry Big People Pants no matter how many times I bop in for a rifling through the racks. And sure – it’s fashionable to be whiny and go with the flow. Friends who bitch about their job, not having any money or how utterly deplorable their lives are – hey! Misery loves company. It’s so much easier to strut around in the latest fashions, emotionally and physically, than to take time and plan how you’re going to kick some ass and do something funky with your bad self.
And the Owning Your Shit Emporium…well, it’s not for everyone. There’s no in-store credit card and they don’t have a return policy (because they don’t need one). They only accept cash as payment in full and there are no shopping bags – that’s because whatever you buy there is easy to carry. Let’s face it – the only time you need shopping bags is to carry all of the unruly bullshit you didn’t need anyways.
So maybe it’s time to own your shit and hop on over to the store to buy some Big People Pants. There’s always a sale going on so there’s no excuses about being strapped for cash. Grabbing a pair or two never involved going into debt or being stuck with something that doesn’t fit and you never have to worry about the return policy being nonexistent because they’re guaranteed to fit! It’s eco-friendly since there are no shopping bags and even if you fill up your cart with other things, they’ll all definitely be matchy-matchy because that’s how everything in the store is designed. And if you can’t seem to find the store in Google Maps, that’s easy enough to fix. Just pull your head out of your ass – that’s usually what does it for me when I can’t find it.