Blow Jobs and Reassurance: A Girl’s Guide to World Peace

blow jobs and reassurance

I am confident that the key to happier relationships between men and women rests in one simple skill:

A woman’s understanding of when she should open up and shut up versus pet the puppy.

Let’s be honest: a woman could gift-wrap a blowjob and give it to her man for eight days straight at Hanukkah. And he’d never ask for anything else…except possibly a back rub and another blowjob later.

And then there are times where all your partner wants is your ear. His day sucked, he fired someone, your three-year-old tossed cookies on his work shirt. Whether the Yankees lost or he lost four hours of his day to some “stupid fucking database error” <blink blink>, he needs to vent and honey – you’re handy.  At times like these, they don’t really want to hear what we think. They just need reassurance. They’re puppies in need of petting. And they need YOU to do it. Those sweet, manly puppy dog eyes looking up at you…how can you say no?

For all the whining that womankind does regarding the lack of oral sex and mankind’s affinity for sports and the remote control, wouldn’t it be more productive (and orgasmic) for us to play on their field every now and then?

We gals – and a powerful, intelligent bunch we are – tend to do a lot of thinking about what they’re thinking.

Why won’t he talk to me? Is he mad at me? Was it something I did? Can I fix it? Am I fat? Does this skirt make my ass look fat? Maybe he’s pissed at me because he thinks my ass looks fat in this skirt! Well, I’ll show him. Fucker. He can get his own dinner! I’m going upstairs to write a bitchy email to six of my girlfriends because he thinks I’m fat and doesn’t love me for who I am. He’s probably fucking his secretary.

Just. Stop. It’s really not that complicated.

Stop thinking it’s always about you and acknowledge: yeah, it can actually be about him. Instead of buying new lip gloss or a dress you think he’ll notice, why not give him the killer combination that will have him look at you like the rock star chick you are: reassurance and a blowjob.

He’s awesome/right/they’re wrong/yes, that sucks/no, he’s not crazy – but he wants to hear it from you.

He knows you’re a smart cookie – but sometimes, he needs you to go back to the Symbolic Logic course you took in college and work out the following If/Then statement:

If Man is frustrated (or breathing) and woman gives him a blowjob then he is happy.

or

If Man is frustrated and woman gives him reassurance without trying to “talk,” then he’d appreciate a blowjob (and will then be content).

Bottom line: sometimes guys just don’t want to hear us talk. Stop thinking that guys want to “talk.” Generally speaking, they don’t. They’d be just as happy with one of two things: reassurance and/or a blowjob.

This isn’t demeaning or belittling a woman’s strength and fortitude as an intelligent and equal partner. Admit it: sometimes we don’t want to hear THEM talk. Sometimes we just want a back rub or a foot massage or for them to not stand in front of the fridge and drink the OJ out of the carton right in front of the kids. But our feminine talents for deductive reasoning and emotive response give us an edge when it comes to understanding there’s a delicious power that stems from our sympathetic nature coupled with our sexuality. It’s not objectifying women or making the case that we’re not valued by men for our conversational skills, intelligence and accomplishments. On occasion, however, our needs (and those of our partners) are a bit more primal and have nothing to do with intelligence. If we spent more energy on accepting men for being male and women for being women, we’d have a lot more energy to romp in the sack. Just sayin’.

It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring up the stuff that’s bugging you or pissed you off. But instead of launching into an instantaneous, petty tirade about how much of a dick he’s being, cool off a bit. If it still pisses you off 24 hours later, then you can have a “talk.” It’s likely to be a more productive talk and one that will lead to his reciprocation in some make-up sex following.

And yes – he’ll still want the blowjob.

44 replies
  1. EWest
    EWest says:

    Simple… to the point! Love it.
    All friendship and relationships are based in communication so this article to me is just a different way of communicating. Possibly a simpler way, but this basic theory of shutting up and catering to a simpler need applies both ways…. NEVER try and fix your womans issue…. Let her bitch about it and then or while she is venting…. offer a foot or back rub… mostly foot rub. U know! Which leads to her to being happy and then… as Erika puts it so correctly; “we’d have a lot more energy to romp in the sack. Just sayin’.”

    Reply
  2. Brandon St. Germaine
    Brandon St. Germaine says:

    It’d be nice if more women viewed sexuality this way. I think masculine guilt is going to be an actual field of sexual study soon. Being ashamed of just wanting a BJ and reassurance sucks. If she asks me to fit her needs without regard to my own comfort (and she does do that) I should be afforded some of that TLC too.

    Reply
    • The Redhead
      The Redhead says:

      @Brandon – Without a doubt. I think sexuality is a key component in a successful relationship and it’s time we stopped treating it as taboo and embraced it as a form of communication. TLC is a two-way street (and includes tongues – just sayin’).

      Reply
  3. David Cordisco
    David Cordisco says:

    I agree, sex binds the marriage, putting your tongue to good use, besides talking, resulting in 10 fold return of planting and harvesting.

    Reply
  4. Tom
    Tom says:

    Hehe. Interesting article. SO said hell no to waiting 24 hours though, and I agree with her. Don't sweat the small stuff, but once the man knows (or gets better at) how to deal with beig told there and then, it apps any brewing, steam coming from ears, silent treatment, no sex treatment.
    Telling him or her at the time gives them a chance to stop beig a dick and making it worse, and actually also a chance to make up for it a bit.

    Reply
  5. tommytuesday
    tommytuesday says:

    WOW!! Just recently discovered your blog and I really love them all, but this one I LOVE!! If you would be willing, I would really like to put it on my blog as a guest post. I think you hit the nail that I try to drive right on the head much more elequently than I could.
    If you are interested, please let me know.
    BTW, wish my wife and I had met you when we lived in Denver, you would certainly be a lot of fun to be around!!!

    Reply
  6. jbridgetfisher
    jbridgetfisher says:

    I couldn't agree more! Men are simple, suck em up, face down booty up and make him a sandwich or bring him a cold beer every now and then. That's my magic and it's full proof.

    Reply
  7. marianofranco
    marianofranco says:

    Hey Erika,

    First time here and far from the last.

    Love your voice and how your writing flows. Your raw yet poignant style makes love to the earhole in my mind that hears it. Did that make sense? Oh, well, fuck it, my clock say it's 2:34 A.M., I'm tired, I'm rolling with it.

    While I rejoiced in finding a fellow fan of a subject I'm deeply interested in, who not only isn't deathly afraid of saying “Fuck”, but can also talk openly about giving head… I've found a flaw in your knob-job theory.

    Here it goes…

    There's a VAST difference between a blow-job performed out of a sense of duty and one administered in a fervor of worship.

    Me, I'm not so hard up for bj's that I settle for a woman just going through the motions down there, hoping she gets “credit” for “for time served”, anxiously waiting for the moment we come to a silent agreement that neither of us are enjoying this and I “let her off the hook” by tapping her shoulder. If I sense there's zero passion, zeal and enthusiasm being transferred from her face/hands up to my brain, I GIVE HER THE BOOT.

    Well, maybe “Give her the boot” is a little harsh. More accurately, I swiftly dismiss her from what she believes to be a chore.

    I'm like the world's greatest fan of a woman that just plain and simply LOVES sucking my dick. (Side note: Notice I said “my” in the previous sentence; the reason I say this is because there are some misshapen, hideously de-formed penises roaming this planet; women should avoid those monstrosities; mine, while being a far cry from a coke can or long dong silver, is fucking gorgeous, so naturally it's easy to fall in love with 😛

    It's not the same if a woman merely “willing” to give head vs. “LOVES” it.

    There are few things on earth that can compete with a woman who worships the process of pleasing me with her mouth. And not just for tingly pleasures sake. There's a deeper meaning.

    I know that worship comes from a deep appreciation of not just Captain Winky but of me as a person. Worhip starts at “Hello” and if the guy is Mr. Right, he consistently reinforces this fact, reminding you that you're with a real man.

    I think it'd be safe to say most men don't behave in a way that allows women to worship them. They're mental midgets, not out of capacity but out of choice so they end up being insecure/fearful/controlling. That covers the whole spectrum from pansie boys to blowhard,wanna-be macho wimps.

    So ladies, I'm letting you off the hook if you're with a hopeless mental midget. No amount of world class dick sucking or verbal assurance can transform a guy who's not ready to stop being a douche canoe. Go invest your love elsewhere.

    And if you are a lucky enough to have found you're Mr. Right, and you're looking to step up your fellatio game, go over to vivid videos website (would enter it here but the url might log the comment as spam for doing so) and you'll see at the top of the site a tab that says “Vivid Ed””, click that and you'll see their wide assortment of “How-to” series. You know what to do next.

    Take it from me ladies, your Mr. Right will be delighted to see this package show up in the mail. Make sure he sees it though or else the rapid transformation of technique might get him thinking you got coaching through some other dude:P

    But hey, what do I know. I'm just a guy with a medium-sized, handsome wang 😉

    Reply
  8. marianofranco
    marianofranco says:

    Hey Erika,

    First time here and far from the last.

    Love your voice and how your writing flows. Your raw yet poignant style makes love to the earhole in my mind that hears it. Did that make sense? Oh, well, fuck it, my clock say it's 2:34 A.M., I'm tired, I'm rolling with it.

    While I rejoiced in finding a fellow fan of a subject I'm deeply interested in, who not only isn't deathly afraid of saying “Fuck”, but can also talk openly about giving head… I've found a flaw in your knob-job theory.

    Here it goes…

    There's a VAST difference between a blow-job performed out of a sense of duty and one administered in a fervor of worship.

    Me, I'm not so hard up for bj's that I settle for a woman just going through the motions down there, hoping she gets “credit” for “for time served”, anxiously waiting for the moment we come to a silent agreement that neither of us are enjoying this and I “let her off the hook” by tapping her shoulder. If I sense there's zero passion, zeal and enthusiasm being transferred from her face/hands up to my brain, I GIVE HER THE BOOT.

    Well, maybe “Give her the boot” is a little harsh. More accurately, I swiftly dismiss her from what she believes to be a chore.

    I'm like the world's greatest fan of a woman that just plain and simply LOVES sucking my dick. (Side note: Notice I said “my” in the previous sentence; the reason I say this is because there are some misshapen, hideously de-formed penises roaming this planet; women should avoid those monstrosities; mine, while being a far cry from a coke can or long dong silver, is fucking gorgeous, so naturally it's easy to fall in love with 😛

    It's not the same if a woman merely “willing” to give head vs. “LOVES” it.

    There are few things on earth that can compete with a woman who worships the process of pleasing me with her mouth. And not just for tingly pleasures sake. There's a deeper meaning.

    I know that worship comes from a deep appreciation of not just Captain Winky but of me as a person. Worhip starts at “Hello” and if the guy is Mr. Right, he consistently reinforces this fact, reminding you that you're with a real man.

    I think it'd be safe to say most men don't behave in a way that allows women to worship them. They're mental midgets, not out of capacity but out of choice so they end up being insecure/fearful/controlling. That covers the whole spectrum from pansie boys to blowhard,wanna-be macho wimps.

    So ladies, I'm letting you off the hook if you're with a hopeless mental midget. No amount of world class dick sucking or verbal assurance can transform a guy who's not ready to stop being a douche canoe. Go invest your love elsewhere.

    And if you are a lucky enough to have found you're Mr. Right, and you're looking to step up your fellatio game, go over to vivid videos website (would enter it here but the url might log the comment as spam for doing so) and you'll see at the top of the site a tab that says “Vivid Ed””, click that and you'll see their wide assortment of “How-to” series. You know what to do next.

    Take it from me ladies, your Mr. Right will be delighted to see this package show up in the mail. Make sure he sees it though or else the rapid transformation of technique might get him thinking you got coaching through some other dude:P

    But hey, what do I know. I'm just a guy with a medium-sized, handsome wang 😉

    Reply
  9. Jeremy Meyers
    Jeremy Meyers says:

    I'd love to see the reverse blog post as well… when women have a bad day. Is it fair to equate a blowjob with a footrub, in your mind? Or do you think we should be getting down there ourselves as our women have frustrating days (I mean, specifically then. Obviously we should be in general, and loving it)?

    Reply
  10. Jay Arenstein
    Jay Arenstein says:

    I don't know what the hell Mariano is talking about.

    If I'm having a real shitty day and my girl just dropped and gave me head, then went about her day, my day would change. It would take my mind off all the negative and be able to focus on something good.

    I would be much more pleasant for the rest of the night.

    Peace,
    Jay

    (I may start having lots of bad days soon)

    Reply
  11. Matt
    Matt says:

    Fairly new to Redhead Ranting and just getting caught up on my reading. May I say that this is possibly one of the best blogs ever written in the entire history of the internet…. I take that back, this is one of the best damn pieces ever written. Period. Beautifully summarizes the fact that we testosterone-fueled creatures just ain’t that complicated and yes, the power of a blow-job is awe-inspiring. Don’t laugh, it is a well known fact that if all the psycho war-mongerers were getting regular mouth-hugs, we’d be beating swords into plow shares.

    Reply
  12. Bothered Pocket
    Bothered Pocket says:

    Great post, made me laugh because yes, you’re 100% right. I get pissed off but I really don’t want to talk about it. I want to say what it is and bang on about it for 5 minutes, then I’d like to hear how awesome I am and maybe get naughty. And later, meat-based food. That’s it. I’m not that complicated a creature. Have we met before?

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *