Open Ass, Insert Head, and other Classy Maneuvers

stay classyThere’s nothing quite like the feeling of knowing you’ve answered one of the universe’s looming questions:

YES, it is possible for one to drive, train for a half marathon, run a business, and go about one’s day with your head completely up your ass.

And man, is my head UP. MY. ASS.

There are so many fucking planets in retrograde that it’s a miracle that gravity hasn’t reversed itself. Life is an unmitigated cluster and the universe has denied me the simple pleasures of midgets on bicycles and bearded ladies, which would singularly reassure me that this is a charade and will also pass.

So what do you do when your head is up your ass? Stupid things. Stupid, stupid things. It’s possible I’ve created an entirely new class of stupid. Like comedian Dane Cook’s Super Finger. What I’m faced with right now is running the things that need running while I deal with the things that need dealing with. And I guess it’s come down to a singular classy maneuver:


Being ass over teakettle actually has a few benefits. First, my choice of skivvies (since it’s highly likely I’ll be showing my ass in either the metaphoric or actual sense sometime during the day, even if it’s when I bend over to pick up an entire bag of groceries which naturally includes a box of tampons that somehow opened and is now all over a very soggy parking lot adjacent to my car). If I’m going to be pulling a Sharon Stone, underthing choice is Job #1 for the day.

Secondly, it’s the ability to be unapologetic about about going off the grid. I have spent more Me Time with myself in the past two weeks than I can remember spending since after I ended my engagement in 2005. That Me Time period lasted until 2009 (and was sheer bliss). What I’m realizing is that I should unplug more and not feel bad about not returning emails after 6pm. I shouldn’t feel bad about turning my phone off. I don’t feel bad at all for not returning text messages.

It makes me appreciate people more. It makes me more efficient. It makes me get back to appreciating how many hours in the day instead of begrudging them.

And while my head might still be entirely up my ass, it’s okay. I’m great at compartmentalizing and siphoning my Personal away from my Professional. Might I say it’s pretty impressive what I can get done when I’m all compartmentalized and shit. Tasks lists don’t stand a chance. My yard? Goddamned exhibit of landscaping brilliance. My basement? Holy shit, it’s like the public library down there (including a card catalog). You say avoidance, I say productive. Blah, blah, blah.

While I know this pothole in life’s highway will eventually be mended (or I’ll at least stop driving my car straight into the fucker one day), I’m at least finding a way to conduct business with class in the interim. It’s hard to write. Hard to read. Hard to do anything that requires any sort of emotional investment — which is why work, my yard, and the basement are bomb-diggity. But things do get done. And if nothing else, I can relive moments where I has something intelligent to say, like this interview with Jay Baer of Convince & Convert (also the co-author of The Now Revolution). Hold out for the comment about the slutty girl — so far, it’s been an audience favorite.

So cheers to you, readers. I’m smiling on the inside — quite literally. My head is, after all, up my ass.

20 replies
  1. Mike Masin
    Mike Masin says:

    Stumbling through the sandstorm of disruption, do-me-now!, they need it now!, I must, I should, and I shouldn’t but I do, is one of the, ahem, pleasures of being in business for oneself.

    When my flavor of sand obliterates my view I retreat into my tent of self, close the flap tightly for an hour or a day, and forgive myself for not being available 24x7x365.

  2. Amy McGibbon Lang
    Amy McGibbon Lang says:

    Geezus! I’ve been blaming allergies for my head-up-my-ass syndrome, but it’s quite possible that Mercury or something else is to blame – or a combination. So what did I do? I weeded the garden beds this morning with total vigor – and you know what? It felt good. It’s the unemotional aspect that appeals to me. How is it everything I feel, you are able to say so accurately and make me go “Yeah! Right-on! Me too!” ?

  3. Joel MacCollam
    Joel MacCollam says:

    Red, never forget that Sharon Stone is far sexier sans undergarments than Britany Spears could ever hope to me.  Pick up your Tampex, blow dry them, make a Bloody Mary double strength, and hunker down for the Easter Bunny. Ms. Stone is fabulous, and so are you.

  4. AmyS
    AmyS says:

    I’ve been fighting this phenomenon all fricking day.  Now that I’ve heard THREE of my favorite ranters are going through the same thing, I’m taking that as permission to tell the rest of the day to bite me.  I’ll be on Pinterest if anyone needs me.

  5. Janine
    Janine says:

    Over here at Chateau Janine, it has suddenly become very important that I organize my music. Not clear off the desk, tackle the to-do list,  or do anything else remotely useful. Gotta get that music right.

    And when I’m done? Uh, anyone else have any music they need organized? Signing off until further notice (or at least tomorrow morning)…

  6. Kellie J. Walker
    Kellie J. Walker says:

    Hey, Red. I’m totally impressed with your flexibility. Not only can you get your head up your own ass, which is impressive. You can also actually work – mentally and physically, while in that position. 🙂

    Good on ya’ for pulling back, unplugging, and taking care of yourself (and business).

    Thanks for, once again, setting a good example!

  7. danny abalos
    danny abalos says:

    Hello Red,
    Way to go chick!
    We all need a bit of self time to recharge, even if our head is up our ass.
    Love your writing and abfab on the vularity, it’s why I read you

  8. Ruth
    Ruth says:

    Just discovered you & your blog!  LOVE IT!  First time I smiled today and gave myself permission to be “human” after I read this.  Thank you for being refreshingly honest.  From one “ginger” to another!  You rock!!


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