YES, it is possible for one to drive, train for a half marathon, run a business, and go about one’s day with your head completely up your ass.
And man, is my head UP. MY. ASS.
There are so many fucking planets in retrograde that it’s a miracle that gravity hasn’t reversed itself. Life is an unmitigated cluster and the universe has denied me the simple pleasures of midgets on bicycles and bearded ladies, which would singularly reassure me that this is a charade and will also pass.
So what do you do when your head is up your ass? Stupid things. Stupid, stupid things. It’s possible I’ve created an entirely new class of stupid. Like comedian Dane Cook’s Super Finger. What I’m faced with right now is running the things that need running while I deal with the things that need dealing with. And I guess it’s come down to a singular classy maneuver:
Being ass over teakettle actually has a few benefits. First, my choice of skivvies (since it’s highly likely I’ll be showing my ass in either the metaphoric or actual sense sometime during the day, even if it’s when I bend over to pick up an entire bag of groceries which naturally includes a box of tampons that somehow opened and is now all over a very soggy parking lot adjacent to my car). If I’m going to be pulling a Sharon Stone, underthing choice is Job #1 for the day.
Secondly, it’s the ability to be unapologetic about about going off the grid. I have spent more Me Time with myself in the past two weeks than I can remember spending since after I ended my engagement in 2005. That Me Time period lasted until 2009 (and was sheer bliss). What I’m realizing is that I should unplug more and not feel bad about not returning emails after 6pm. I shouldn’t feel bad about turning my phone off. I don’t feel bad at all for not returning text messages.
It makes me appreciate people more. It makes me more efficient. It makes me get back to appreciating how many hours in the day instead of begrudging them.
And while my head might still be entirely up my ass, it’s okay. I’m great at compartmentalizing and siphoning my Personal away from my Professional. Might I say it’s pretty impressive what I can get done when I’m all compartmentalized and shit. Tasks lists don’t stand a chance. My yard? Goddamned exhibit of landscaping brilliance. My basement? Holy shit, it’s like the public library down there (including a card catalog). You say avoidance, I say productive. Blah, blah, blah.
While I know this pothole in life’s highway will eventually be mended (or I’ll at least stop driving my car straight into the fucker one day), I’m at least finding a way to conduct business with class in the interim. It’s hard to write. Hard to read. Hard to do anything that requires any sort of emotional investment — which is why work, my yard, and the basement are bomb-diggity. But things do get done. And if nothing else, I can relive moments where I has something intelligent to say, like this interview with Jay Baer of Convince & Convert (also the co-author of The Now Revolution). Hold out for the comment about the slutty girl — so far, it’s been an audience favorite.
So cheers to you, readers. I’m smiling on the inside — quite literally. My head is, after all, up my ass.