Denver Gone Wild…A New Contest!

lisa lampanelli denver contestYou guys are complete awesomesauce for your support in Westword’s Best of the Web Awards for 2010. While it seems that some people are already placing dibs on the mythical pony I said I was going to win, I’m encouraged by the fact that you’re actually plotting to steal an animal that doesn’t exist. Therefore, you must be voting and optimistic. So thank you!

But enough talk about ponies. WTF Erika. YOU SAID THERE’S A NEW CONTEST!

Simmer down, Happy Pants. No lie. There’s a new contest. It’s ONLY for Denver/Boulder area peeps – and as I said yesterday, another one will be coming along shortly for my global folk. Hold on to your britches…

On Saturday, October 30, THREE WINNERS will be accompanying me to The Comedy Works in DTC to go see The Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli! And not just THREE winners, but these winners will each win a PAIR of tickets so you can bring a date/pony/spouse along for the ride as well. We have dinner reservations at Lucy at Comedy Works at 5:15pm prior to the 7:30pm show and priority seating for the group so you can see The Queen of Mean up-close. Special thanks to Wende Curtis at Comedy Works for getting everything squared away!

So, Erika – shut your yap. HOW DO WE WIN?

It’s actually pretty easy…

In the comments section below, you have until Monday, October 4 at 11:59pm to tell me a little story.

If you could take any mythical creature with you to see Lisa Lamapanelli, what would it be?

Tell me about your mythical date. Where would you go? Would you take it to get its hair and nails done (and where)? Would you stop for a drink (and where)? Details, please. Especially how long you’ve had a relationship with this creature and if the HOA in your neighborhood knows about your weird fetish.

And having people “like” your comment might help, too.

I am the sole judge, jury and executioner deciding the winner.

Some rules:

  • Winners will be notified on Tuesday’s blog – October 5, 2010.
  • Entries must be 300 words OR LESS (I will totally word count your ass).
  • One pair of tickets per winner, three winners.
  • Dinner at Lucy is on your own dime, but The Redhead WILL be picking up your two-item minimum during the show.
  • Tickets have NO CASH VALUE. Don’t even ask.
  • Winners are decided solely at my whim. Dance, Monkays, DANCE!
  • Date of show is Saturday, October 30, 2010 at 7:30pm (dinner at 5:15pm)

And here’s where my more “sensitive” audience will want to tune-out…they don’t call her The Queen of Mean for nuttin’.

8 comments
The Redhead
The Redhead

You realize the Centaur is my astrological sign, right? :)

@shellieshel
@shellieshel

Have you ever heard the expression “hung like a horse”? Yeah, so have I. That being the case, my date to the Lisa Lamapanelli show is Steve, the sensuous Centaur. A handsome, hunk of exquisite, equine extravagance. As the starting gates open, and riding crop in hand, we begin the evening with a quick trot to the local drug store for two packages of Magnum condoms. To be later cobbled together forming four perfectly proportioned pockets of protection. I cannot keep track of my own salacious sex organs at times, let alone those of a manly, mythical creature. And let’s be honest folks, what good is a free ticket to anything without a reciprocity requirement. Screw Wonka and his golden ticket, I had a lusty license to stallion schlong. With the pony prophylactics procured, we will cheerfully canter on over to pre-show cocktails at JRs. For years, I have had to live vicariously through the ample appendages surrounding my gay posse; Oct 30th is my turn. Steve and I will take several lusty laps around the bar, while whispered whoops of “did you see the colossal cock on that musty, man-horse Michelle is with?” abound. I pity your pony-play pictures boys, I have the real thing - saddle included. Snarky, sardonic jealously garnered, Steve and I quickly gallop over to the show at Denver’s famed Comedy Works. Close and cozy seats in the first few rows were a curse as Steve endured Lamapanelli’s lascivious lampooning. I, on the other hand, enjoyed the funny farce as I knew it would only fuel his animal like ambitions once we hit the proverbial hay. Just as soon as I can get the randy Redhead off of him.

The Redhead
The Redhead

Yeah, that's what she does :) She's a riot on the Comedy Central Roasts. Again, NOT for the easily offended!

Ciaoabba
Ciaoabba

HOLY SHIT...did she just say that?

jason schippers
jason schippers

I finally have an avenue to talk about my love for my old buddy the Chupacabra named Dewayne. Talk about a wingman. I probably shouldn't give away my secrets here...but what the hell. For a few years now, we've been frequenting the bars, especially on ladies night. I point out a pretty girl to Dewayne and then the magic begins. Dewayne strolls up trying to start a conversation with her. Now based on his hideous appearance, the woman is immediately terrified. But Dewayne is persistent. He stays on her like Biff on Lorraine. Now this is where I step in. Like a brave and valiant knight, I step in and rescue the lady from the onslaught of Dewayne. He even allows me to punch him to sell it a bit more. Now that is a true wingman. So as you can see, how could he not be my +1 for a night of comedy? Plus, I have a feeling that Lisa Lampanelli will sleep with anything, so maybe Dewayne might get lucky for once.

timbrauhn
timbrauhn

The mythical creature I would take to see a Lisa Lampanelli comedy show is actually Lisa Lampanelli. No amount of scientific experimentation could convince me that Lisa Lampanelli is a properly-existent creature. I would dress in a tuxedo, for when one is going out on the town, one must look one's best. My little Lampanelleviathan would need something cute to wear, or at least something to drown out the panoply of colors that she comes in. I suggest Buffalo Exchange. Their low prices and selection of wildly-colored apparel would allow me to outfit Lampanelli like some kind of fucked-up Barbie doll from the Lars von Trier Collection. After playing dress-up, I would take my Lampanelli-Beast to Lancer Lounge for pre-gaming. The monster would fit right in. Many of the barbacks at LL have remarkable constitutions. I don’t fear their ability to clean up after her invariable mess. I've seen it eat - it's like a self-consuming buffet; a black hole of food and sauces horrifying to behold. My only concern with bringing the mythical Lampanelli to see Lisa Lampanelli perform is that my date might be on the receiving end of one of the comedienne's trademark "insults". I might have to take the stage to defend her honor. I've fought Nazis, the Na'vi, and the Borg, but going toe-to-toe with Lampanelli could sink me. In the face of heckling by the Queen of Mean, I would retreat with Lampanelleviathan to the alleyway behind Cheesecake Factory downtown to hunt for scraps, or rats, whatever. What a romantic way to wind down the evening. And of course, after all is said and done and the night grows long, I'd take Lampanelli down to the Platte to stare at the moon. And drown her, for the sake of our world and our children.

The Redhead
The Redhead

2 Random Redhead Points for the closing sentence.

The Redhead
The Redhead

2 more Random Redhead Points for killing her off at the end.

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