The Part Where I Look Like a Hipster Where No One Should Look Like a Hipster

hipster moustacheThis week, I’m in Chicago at a week-long immersion course for solo performers at Second City. I’m also house hunting. There has been drinking.

In spite of all this, person hygiene remains a hot pursuit of mine. Which is why I was shaving this morning.

Underarms. Legs. THERE.

Yeah, there.

And when I shave there, it’s not a blade situation <oh hell no>. It’s a grab-one-of-those-$9.99-wand-shaver-thingies-at-the-Walgreens and keep my bits and pieces safe from BLADES situation.

Safe ladyscaping — you, too, can practice this.

First, I’d like to talk about what comes up in the Google search when I type in “wand shaver.” This is also why I hate cookies.

Secondly, this is the wand shaver to which I’m actually referring.

So there I am, standing in front of the mirror this morning after my in-shower ladyscaping, continuing the ritual using a safe appliance.

Little on the left.

To the top and down.

Over to the right.

Which is precisely when some fucknut decided to send me a text message this morning.

It scared the everloving shit out of me and before I knew it, I’d colored outside the lines. Or, shaved.

My nether regions were clipped, alright. Right into an inadvertent Hitler moustache.

I might have used the word “motherfucker” right about then. I do feel, even in retrospect, that it was the best choice.

I mean, hipsters have ruined moustaches for everyone. Not even Tom Selleck could have a fighting chance and look at Geraldo Rivera — he still looks like a douche with his. Now you can’t unsee that. You’re welcome.

Did I ever mention that there was a time in my life where a moustache ride sponsored by Bert Reynolds would have been in my Top Five Things to Do on My Summer Vacation? Granted, I was underage at the time. What a hot sandwich. Today, he’s more like a day-old panini and after the roller coaster incidents in the news as of late, I ain’t gettin’ on that ride any time soon. Ill-maintained-as-fuck.

But I digress.

And so this is how I came to look like a hipster in a place that no one should look like a hipster. And frankly, no one should look like a pre-pubescent girl down there, either. Groomed, trimmed, nary a disco bush in sight.

So now, it’s not really a landing strip. It’s more like a runway at a small municipal airport that’s in serious need of repaving.

The best part? I looked at my phone when I was done swearing to see who in all mortal hell had texted me at 7:20-ish AM on a Tuesday.

Verizon Wireless — “Your bill is ready for viewing.”

I’m going to pay it late, purely on principle. It’s also why I’m tagging this post with my “bullshit” tag.


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9 replies
  1. Emmluu
    Emmluu says:

    OMG…This made my day….Thank You!!!
    Sorry that happened to you…Verizon has bad timing…LOL
    A hilarious story…Thanks for sharing!!!

  2. OneAndOnlyLola
    OneAndOnlyLola says:

    Achtung baby- the same thing happened to me- though I paid quite a lot for the privilege… It’s so shaming- and there’s nothing to do but wait a helluva long time… sigh.  Maybe this is the time to take up knitting, or drinking or both.

  3. thinman
    thinman says:

    It prolly goes without saying – as in all things, hiney site is most definitely 20/20 – but you may wanna consider the fact there are folks who’d likely be far more attentive to your nethers during a particularly finite range of sensitive operations to the point of not being distracted by air raid sirens, the Second Coming (*cough*) or Heidi Klum in plastic wrap on roller blades. OK. Eww. Strike that last one.

  4. KiraMarieHays
    KiraMarieHays says:

    I have to say i guffawed at the surprise Hitler-stache, and being in a doctor’s office i got some odd looks.  Your blog posts always make me smile!

  5. Craig McBreen
    Craig McBreen says:

    When I read the headline I didn’t realize I was in for some crafty language on safe ladyscaping. Had to take a break from reading about SEO … so from torture to this. Thank you 😉 And the Geraldo thing. Good lord, can’t erase that image from the old noggin.
    I was recently listening to one of my favorite comic podcasts and of course they started talking about maintaining the male shrubbery. Anyway the guest said he was startled while using a pair of scissors and the result was was worse that a Hitler stash fo sho.

  6. rachaelphillips
    rachaelphillips says:

    I’ve exhausted my arsenal of I love you’s by sending you a tweet but seriously…on a shitty Wednesday afternoon this has made me laugh just enough that tea has escaped my nostril area – neither cool or classy. BRILLIANT post x


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