The Part Where I Look Like a Hipster Where No One Should Look Like a Hipster

hipster moustacheThis week, I’m in Chicago at a week-long immersion course for solo performers at Second City. I’m also house hunting. There has been drinking.

In spite of all this, person hygiene remains a hot pursuit of mine. Which is why I was shaving this morning.

Underarms. Legs. THERE.

Yeah, there.

And when I shave there, it’s not a blade situation <oh hell no>. It’s a grab-one-of-those-$9.99-wand-shaver-thingies-at-the-Walgreens and keep my bits and pieces safe from BLADES situation.

Safe ladyscaping — you, too, can practice this.

First, I’d like to talk about what comes up in the Google search when I type in “wand shaver.” This is also why I hate cookies.

Secondly, this is the wand shaver to which I’m actually referring.

So there I am, standing in front of the mirror this morning after my in-shower ladyscaping, continuing the ritual using a safe appliance.

Little on the left.

To the top and down.

Over to the right.

Which is precisely when some fucknut decided to send me a text message this morning.

It scared the everloving shit out of me and before I knew it, I’d colored outside the lines. Or, shaved.

My nether regions were clipped, alright. Right into an inadvertent Hitler moustache.

I might have used the word “motherfucker” right about then. I do feel, even in retrospect, that it was the best choice.

I mean, hipsters have ruined moustaches for everyone. Not even Tom Selleck could have a fighting chance and look at Geraldo Rivera — he still looks like a douche with his. Now you can’t unsee that. You’re welcome.

Did I ever mention that there was a time in my life where a moustache ride sponsored by Bert Reynolds would have been in my Top Five Things to Do on My Summer Vacation? Granted, I was underage at the time. What a hot sandwich. Today, he’s more like a day-old panini and after the roller coaster incidents in the news as of late, I ain’t gettin’ on that ride any time soon. Ill-maintained-as-fuck.

But I digress.

And so this is how I came to look like a hipster in a place that no one should look like a hipster. And frankly, no one should look like a pre-pubescent girl down there, either. Groomed, trimmed, nary a disco bush in sight.

So now, it’s not really a landing strip. It’s more like a runway at a small municipal airport that’s in serious need of repaving.

The best part? I looked at my phone when I was done swearing to see who in all mortal hell had texted me at 7:20-ish AM on a Tuesday.

Verizon Wireless — “Your bill is ready for viewing.”

I’m going to pay it late, purely on principle. It’s also why I’m tagging this post with my “bullshit” tag.



I've exhausted my arsenal of I love you's by sending you a tweet but seriously...on a shitty Wednesday afternoon this has made me laugh just enough that tea has escaped my nostril area - neither cool or classy. BRILLIANT post x

Craig McBreen
Craig McBreen

When I read the headline I didn't realize I was in for some crafty language on safe ladyscaping. Had to take a break from reading about SEO … so from torture to this. Thank you ;) And the Geraldo thing. Good lord, can't erase that image from the old noggin.

I was recently listening to one of my favorite comic podcasts and of course they started talking about maintaining the male shrubbery. Anyway the guest said he was startled while using a pair of scissors and the result was was worse that a Hitler stash fo sho.


Stinkin' Verizon and their texting. *shakes fist into the air*


I have to say i guffawed at the surprise Hitler-stache, and being in a doctor's office i got some odd looks.  Your blog posts always make me smile!


It prolly goes without saying - as in all things, hiney site is most definitely 20/20 - but you may wanna consider the fact there are folks who'd likely be far more attentive to your nethers during a particularly finite range of sensitive operations to the point of not being distracted by air raid sirens, the Second Coming (*cough*) or Heidi Klum in plastic wrap on roller blades. OK. Eww. Strike that last one.


Achtung baby- the same thing happened to me- though I paid quite a lot for the privilege... It's so shaming- and there's nothing to do but wait a helluva long time... sigh.  Maybe this is the time to take up knitting, or drinking or both.


OMG...This made my day....Thank You!!!

Sorry that happened to you...Verizon has bad timing...LOL

A hilarious story...Thanks for sharing!!!


**wipes tears of laughter from cheeks**

I think this is the funniest thing I've ever read.