How the F-Bomb Promotes Green Living

Today, I’m re-launching this blog in the greenest of fashion with my discourse on why the f-bomb promotes green living. We’ve all read bloated prose, most often found in technical manuals and boardrooms across America. In an effort to be polite, kind or politically correct, people tend to use more words than are really necessary. Frankly, I think we should all just think of the reams of paper and email bandwidth that would be saved if we were to cut the shit and say what we really mean. Granted, diplomacy has its place and I find myself a purveyor of such on a regular basis. But more often than not, an overuse of words leads to an underemphasis on our intent. Let’s head straight away into some actual examples of how the word “fuck” can be used to promote greener living through literary conservation:

Human Resources Manager Dismissing an Employee

John repeatedly failed to perform the duties to which he was assigned. Therefore, we have no other alternative than to terminate his employment with the company.

Translation:

John is a lazy fuck so we’re firing him.

Swearingen on “Deadwood” Talking about the Work Ethic of the Women in his Employ

These women of ill-repute need to stop talking about their hair and start servicing the gentlemen patrons who frequent The Gem Saloon.

Translation:

These cunts need to shut up and start fucking.

Explaining How Productive One’s Weekend Was

I swear – I have gotten absolutely nothing accomplished this weekend. It’s been a complete waste.

Translation:

I’ve gotten fuckall done this weekend. Piss it.

Describing One’s Brother/Father-in-Law, Uncle, etc.

Jim is about three sandwiches short of a picnic, I tell ya!

Translation:

Jim’s a dumb motherfucker.

Expressing One’s Disgruntlement with any Microsoft Product

I tell ya – [insert random Microsoft product here] has crashed on me seven times today. I should really switch to a Mac one of these days.

Translation:

[Microsoft product] fucking SUCKS ass! I’m buying a goddamn Mac.

Now – here’s the analysis behind our little literary conservation experiment here:

We began with: 491 characters, 103 words

With the assistance of the f-bomb, we condensed to: 188 characters, 40 words.

That’s a 62% reduction in both words and characters used. (special thanks to my Tweeps for the math help. I suck at math.)

If the world used 62% less gas, 62% less electricity and produced 62% less waste, Al Gore would shit his pants and bust into a polka.

So here’s where I implore you: abandon your political correctness (on occasion) and say what you really mean. Save printer paper, server capacity and most of all your intent by being clear an concise in your communications. Our fucking planet depends on it.

5 comments
Bake My Fish
Bake My Fish

I fucking love Deadwood. Al Swearingen was a mean Fuck, and I couldn't wait for the next Fuck to come out of his fucking mouth. Fuck it. This is a funny fucking post.

free karma meter
free karma meter

you are funny but right. transparency is becoming obsolete. people need to say what they mean and mean what they say and cut the unnecessary babble.

Jeremy
Jeremy

I miss the F-bomb... when I was in the Army I dropped it occasionally, when called for, but now I have to pay my kids $10 each because the F-bomb isn't a sanctioned weapon in the rules of engagement here in Utah. Ah to be back in fuckin Colorado...

Diesel
Diesel

Love the use of the iThemes Flexx theme. Following you on Twitter as another local Colordaian.

HugoDwarf
HugoDwarf

I don't think I've ever heard it said that the show Deadwood was lacking on using the F word.