You’re irreverent. Some people may even call you an asshole. Your ex-boyfriends call you a bitch. With the holiday season upon us, I thought it would be a great idea to make a list of gifts that actually let you express who you are instead of who Hallmark would like you to be.
I shared this on Twitter this week and it got more retweets than a picture of Sarah Palin’s beaver. Actually, this is better than Sarah Palin’s beaver. It’s the answer for all those who could never previously give a flying fuck. Well, now you can. For £17.99 (roughly $28 USD), you can give your boss, father-in-law or other loved one the most portable fuck possible – available at Play.com (UK customers only, dammit all). Batteries are, naturally, not included.
Every year when you set up the Christmas tree, you say it. Some people say it more than others. In my house, it was one of dad’s favorite words at the holidays! Why not keep family traditions alive with this fabulous F-bomb ornament from Urban Outfitters? Sure, the stocking were hung by the chimney with care, but you hit your fucking thumb with the hammer in the process, right?
Where’s your flying fuck when you need it? Carry it with you and never be at a loss again with this adorable Angry Flower Tote from Zazzle.com. Starting at only $25.15 (and you can always find Zazzle coupons here), give that irreverent girl – or flamboyant, irreverent gay man – in your life a tool that they can really use this holiday season? (Perfect for porting fucking menorahs and the damn challah bread over the Hanukkah season, too!)
Everyone knows The Redhead swears like a George Carlin Wannabe according to CurseBird.com. Why not get that fan-fucking-tastic person their very OWN Curse Bird this year? This awesome t-shirt from T-Shirt Hell starts at only $19 and is available in both men’s and women’s styles. It’s more attractive than a Fail Whale and something to throw on when you’re doing the Walk of Shame.
Give the twisted scholar (or perhaps, your mother) an academic account of the f-bomb. Documented over 320 pages, The F Word by Jesse Sheidlower rests on The Redhead’s bookshelf already. A steal at $16.95 list, those local to Denver can pick it up at the Tattered Cover (who recently hosted a signing event for Mr. Sheidlower, though I was getting laid that night so I wasn’t so broken up over missing the event). If you’re not local to Denver, buy it from the Tattered Cover anyway and support independent booksellers. Maybe you’ll see a book by me in one of them soon.
From the book itself: Dirty Talk – Trust me, she wants it. If she didn’t, she’d fuck a mime. Speaking of, did you know Marcel Marceau was divorced three times? Enough said. That’s my kinda gal. Eve Kingsley’s Just Fuck Me is the ideal gift for your pansified rugby pals or your girlfriends who bitch (but apparently don’t moan) about an uninteresting sex life. And a cheap fucking gift, at that (list price $14.95).
While Someecards.com is where you can find classic e-cards like “The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to to fuck you on the floor” and “Let’s safeguard ourselves against swine flu by only doing it doggie style,” you can now create your own twisted greetings. Choose from hundreds of stock images and background colors and get randy this holiday season! Finally – a fucking e-card that doesn’t have duckies and bunnies on it. Unless you’re into that. And for all of you frugal motherfuckers, Someecards.com is FREE.
OK, so maybe this is on my Christmas/birthday list. But isn’t the Lelo Elise vibrator the sexiest little toy you’ve ever seen? Not only will your kids not know it’s a vibrator, but your partner won’t be jealous of it because you’re a 120lb white girl and you can finally get rid of that 10″ vibrating piece of flesh you’ve had in the bedside table drawer for 3 years. Disclosure: I am a compensated columnist for ToyWithMe.com, but they have not given me a vibrator as compensation for the link love. I just think it’s the prettiest little “go fuck myself” I’ve ever seen. And I think the girl in your life just might agree with me.
***Special thanks to Will Price for turning me on to a couple of these gift ideas. How well my friends know me.