I Work So My Pets Can Crap

It was New Year’s morning. I was sitting on the sofa, chatting with Cali, and I realized:

I work so my pet can crap.

As the “mom” to two dogs and two felines, there’s an inordinate amount of crap that’s in various places in my home. Litter box, backyard, bathroom…the occasional “unauthorized” location. The current favorite UA is the basement. You see, Small Dog has this thing about walking in the snow. I swear to Christ, I should get her a tiara and make her sleep on a pile of mattresses with peas in between. But I digress.

Small Dog will go outside with Big Dog, run around, pee and play. But 20% of the time, she will not make a cookie. She then comes inside and when I’m not looking, trots down to the basement (her own little Easy Bake Oven) and…bakes. Cookies. Thankfully, they’re the side of those two-bite brownies from Whole Foods and nothing like the dog logs my 55 lb’er lays down.

The cats…well, they’re going on 11-years-old. Adopted in Japan at the tender age of 6 weeks each, they would write “Die, Dogs, Die” in blood on the wall if the fuckers had thumbs. They’d make quite the marketing moguls, the pair of ’em, with as often as they think outside the box.

And my days? My labors, my writing, my sex blogging and SEO copywriting. Social media consulting, article marketing and all it is that I do…I do it all so my pets can crap.

Here’s the simple logic.

Human works to earn money.

Money buys dog food, cat food and cat litter.

Dog and cat food makes crap.

Work = pet crap.

It’s a lovely way to begin my new year: realizing that my labors are funding a veritable crap factory. Happy new year, my lovely readers.

10 comments
The Redhead
The Redhead

I harbor no illusions. Pet crap rules my world.

Robyn
Robyn

Hate to admit how true this is, but my doggie lives higher than a lot of people do, thanks to my hard work. George Carlin had a whole schtick about how stupid we must look to aliens. We follow our animals around with bags of steamy shit in our clutches and think that WE are in charge?! Ha!

May King
May King

We *heart* you 'mom'. Signed your dogs and cats. :-)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Ummm...at least she's self-cleaning?

The Redhead
The Redhead

Indeed, Aaron. You have hit the mother lode with that one.

rothwoman
rothwoman

My ADORABLE (I'm talking an awwwwwwwwwwwwwwdorable 4-pound-200-IQ-self-assured-but-not-arrogant-prissy-hairy-Barbie-dog) EATS her own SHIT! She makes her lemonade outside but bakes her brownies inside so that she may taste (devour) them before we find them. Have you ever smelled a burp-fart? Seriously!

Aaron Templer
Aaron Templer

I guess it's better than working for crap, as in a measurement of pay.

Batman
Batman

Collect it all, and sell it as manure. Complete the cycle :)

Megan Carpenter
Megan Carpenter

My boyfriend and I have had this same conversation. Nice to know we aren't the only ones who have realized this.

davastewart
davastewart

My mom used to say "I hate buying groceries. Might as well just flush my money down the toilet. That's where all this food will end up anyway."

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