Introducing: CAKE

introducing: cakeLadies: how would you like to actually order something at a restaurant AND EAT IT, TOO? I’m serious. I’m gonna get all Marie Antoinette up in this joint and tell you – yes, you can! (That’s more Marie-Antionette-with-a-Barack-Obama-segue. Sue me.) The important thing is this:

It is possible, it is here today and it can be yours.

  • Are you tired of ordering “dressing on the side?”
  • If you eat one more piece of lettuce, will PF Chang’s be able to serve you up with a side of diced, spiced chicken and call you a wrap?
  • Have you ever had a date look at your clean dessert plate and say, “Wow”???

If you answered YES to any of these questions, I’ve got the solution. Now, it’s not anything fancy and you probably see it at the store each and every day. You may have even recently seen it at a party or in your local coffee shop. Some of you might even be within 20 feet of some right now.

Are you ready for the secret? Are you exhausted with more don’ts than dos in your diet? Are you excited about sending a plate back to the kitchen so clean that the dishwasher will think (just for a moment) that he could get away without washing it? Then it’s time.

Introducing…cake.

I’m a huge fucking fan of cake. Rivaled only by my interest in pie and other pie-like desserts dressed-up as “cobbler,” cake is a mainstay in my diet. Last night, I had a late afternoon date for cocktails and what turned out to be dessert. After a lovely variation on a Manhattan, I decided to pair it up with a piece of chocolate cake. This, my friends, is cake I know. It’s never turned on me. Never treated me ill. I knew the cake and invited it to my table. And I ate it. Now, American portions can get out of hand and I’m here to tell you – this wasn’t some Claim Jumper-sized portion of cake. It was a smidge. A sliver by truck stop proportions. And not that I have to justify it, but it wasn’t as if I was horking half a Sara Lee confection.

And my date looked at me after I finished my dessert (a half hour later — see? No horking.) and said plain as day:

“Wow. You must really have a sweet tooth.”

I blinked and replied, also plain as day, “Guilty! I love cake like a fat kid loves cake.”

To which he replied, “Well, enough cake and you’ll sure enough be the fat kid.”

***disclaimer: I did not resort to violence.***

A bit speechless, I fumbled around with other conversation for the next ten minutes or so. He eventually excused himself to go to the bathroom, during which time I wiped my Fat Kid, Cake-Eating face, got up, walked up to our server, handed her a $20 and walked out the door.

My phone rang 7 minutes later. Him. *ignore*

Here it is: I will order the fucking cake if I want the fucking cake. AND, I will eat the fucking cake that I order because I love cake. I took time out of my day to meet you, shared my time with you and now that’s time I’ll never get back. And for what? So you can allude to the fact that my back 40 is sliding precariously towards being a “baby got back/front/diagonal/sideways?” Kiss my ass. All of it. Covered with cake.

I’ve never been the skinny girl but I’ll tell you one thing: I’ve been fat. 170 pounds back in 1998. Twelve years ago, when I lacked a modest portion of self esteem in my diet, food didn’t talk back so it became my best friend. But I’m healthy and happy and barely tip the scales at a buck-thirty. I ride my bike nearly 200 miles a week and end up in the gym 4 mornings at the ass crack of dawn, so who are you – and who is anyone – to tell me I should be wary of having cake?

I don’t hold myself to an unrealistic standard and I know I’ll never be a supermodel. Curves are sexy and I’m not looking to have U-turns instead of a waistline. The media doesn’t help and as women, fashion designers play a sick joke of “follow the bouncing size” with us as they change what a size 4 means every motherfucking year. Men? Lucky. A “32 waist” is a 32-inch waist. We’d be a culture of anorexics if women’s sizing went to inches instead of meaningless numbers that don’t translate from store to store.

And I’m far from a “go women, rah-rah-rah” girl, but the day I sit in front of a man in a BCBG Max Azria dress in a size small and he tells me I’m in danger of becoming the fat kid, my consumption of cake isn’t the problem.

You are.

It’s rough enough to get out and date after burying Jason back in November, but to sit there and have some quite random man tell me that I’m eating myself down a path towards max density is simply…comical. If nothing else, it makes for great blog fodder and I’ve had great fun imagining him with the woman he’ll marry someday gain 20 pounds while she’s pregnant. He’ll probably be the guy asking her to “lighten up on junior in there – you don’t want the kid to come out fat.”

Cake, ladies. IT IS DELICIOUS. Why do we deny ourselves? There’s no victory in obesity but there’s none in denial, either. It is entirely possible to have your cake and eat it, too. And maybe we order the salad because we want to calorically budget for the cake. But deny ourselves? Shit. I hope to die with a slice of chocolate cake in my hands. Next to one of my bikes. And even though that sounds like some sick sideshow at a circus, this whole incident reminds me of a few things:

  • I suck at dating and I’m re-stating my position that my Picker is broken and all recommendations for suitable men need to come from free-range associations and NOT online dating sites.
  • Match.com should rename itself “ThisIsWhyYoureSingle.com.”
  • There’s humor in every situation. Oh, god…is there!
  • Always carry cash – it makes for speedy exits.
  • If you don’t love yourself enough to not deny yourself something you love, you need to work on loving yourself a bit more.

Whatever YOUR version of cake might be, embrace it. Love it. Curl-up next to it in your dreams. Make a home grown porno with it. I really don’t care. But here’s the nitty gritty of the awesomeness that is (actually and metaphorically):

We ALL have cake in our lives. For some of us, it looks like this. For others, it’s this. Maybe this. Or this. And no one ever has the right to tell you what you should love. Just like love itself. We trip and fall into it. It’s not something we can wake up and say: hey, today, I’m going to love Bob/Jane/my job/laundry/skiing. It just happens.

I love cake for its simple decadence. A contrast in textures and the ideal frosting? Not too sugary that it overpowers the cake itself. The artistry that it takes to put one together (because I’ve tried and my cakes always look like a mid-seizure epileptic got hold of a frosting knife during an earthquake). The fact that you can eat it with a fork, spoon or your fingers.

That it’s great for any meal of the day (just ask Bill Cosby).

That, my friends, is CAKE. It is here today. You can order it AND eat it, too. And the same goes for the guys. If she doesn’t like you after the cake, it’s likely she didn’t really like you before the cake. Kick that bitch to the curb and dish it up. And find a gal who will share a slice with ya, for heaven’s sake.

151 comments
Heather- Quixotic Road
Heather- Quixotic Road

Haha! I loved this! My favourite is when I go to Costco to buy myself a ridiculously proportioned sheet cake (because I like really shitty white cake with really shitty butter cream frosting in bright colors shaped like flowers and balloons and dinosaurs) and the bakers ask me if it's for a kid's party. Yeah...sure. Then, I will slowly consume it right out of the fridge with only a fork over the next month. Ooo, that did not sound good. But I'm healthy, I swear. Just wanted to say...I get it. And hurray for cake. Here is a picture I did not take for this occasion...I just honestly have photos of me dressed up with cake. Have to embrace the things you love.

Mtolleyhall
Mtolleyhall

I have written a very humorous piece on "the 17 guys you don't want to be" based on my online dating experience.  How do I know it's funny?  I still laugh my ass off just thinking about it.  This one would make a goo 18 story.  Seriously.  Guys out there don't have a clue and the girls who keep tolerating the cave man behavior are not self-loving.  Love yourselves, love the cake!  Bravo!  P.S.: I finally found the guy who loves that I eat cake, loves my curves and is absolutely wonderful. 

Marilynn Morgan Hill
Marilynn Morgan Hill

Yep, I am going on a cake diet.  This is *$&#@ hilarious and true to every last crumb!

unclegoddamn
unclegoddamn

I think your blog is fracking GRAND. And may I say that I loved your reference to Bill Cosby....the very first cassette tape I bought with my allowance (and still own) is "BILL COSBY, More Of The Best Of". Which includes the track, "chocolate cake". For the WIN!

Diana Antholis
Diana Antholis

I didn't even finish reading this before I got up and made brownies.  They are in the oven.  Yum.

Vicki
Vicki

LOVE this post!  You go girl! 

Dani S
Dani S

Brava! Life is too short to deny yourself EVERYTHING, especially for someone else's approval. I need that reminder today.

Amanda Johnson
Amanda Johnson

 I've been skinny and hated. I've been fat and loved. Guess which one I pick, in spite of the fact it distresses my mother? 

JC Kreidel
JC Kreidel

Few things make me LAUGH OUT LOUD, PEEING MYSELF FUNNY these days.  You never fail to delight!

Kara
Kara

Wild cheering and applause. Have no idea how I missed this one the first time around. Now I think I might go make cake. Or cupcakes. Yeah. With whiskey ganache filling and Bailey's Irish Cream frosting. Mmmmmm. Cake.

Clint
Clint

I'd be your slice of cake any day...

Jen Small
Jen Small

*applause* so glad you walked on THAT "man". I'd like to be buried next to my bike and a big old bag of Humpty Dumpty Salt & Vinegar chips please. great post!

Laura Astrich
Laura Astrich

You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am proud to call you one of my besties!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenn Whinnem
Jenn Whinnem

I believe this is the one blog where I can write out exactly what I thought reading this, which is: fuck that guy.

Pam McCoy
Pam McCoy

You are a great example for single women...we don't have to put up with anything! We need to teach young women this...that it is ok to stand up for yourself. I love your quote "Match.com should rename itself “ThisIsWhyYoureSingle.com" so right on the mark!

Tim Weaver
Tim Weaver

Erika Nice post. Bill Cosby's tale of breakfast is one I have...on an album. A classic. I find it interesting the many men today appear to want their women to look like teenage boys or mannequins...no curves. Curves are sexy. Curves are hot. Curves make a woman look like a woman, just the way I like a woman to look. Cake. It's what's for dinner.

Laura
Laura

Men are always saying that we are attractive when we like ourselves. I say this: like yourself, like your bike, like your cake, and next time you feel like taking a day off from the gym, like that too.

Rick
Rick

By the way, I make incredible biscotti and honest-to-god cream scones.

Rick
Rick

I love you even more, now!

Sheryl
Sheryl

Let me clarify my comment by first saying that your date was a complete and total asshole. However, how many times have you been on a date only to never hear from the guy again and it leaves you wondering why? My clients are always so thrilled to know why someone doesn't want to see them again, if only to confirm that they are in fact, ok and not a bad person. When you don't hear from the date again, even if he said "I'll call," you have to wonder "what did I do?" Was I rude, too ugly, too fat, to chatty, to quiet, to Republican, did he meet someone else he likes better, did I show too much cleavage (or not enough), etc.. So in this case, I think the guy deserves to know what he did wrong, because chances are, he has no clue.

modelb1tch
modelb1tch

I have to say, I admire your self control! What an absolute ass. Cake, you and Max Azria rock - it was clearly too much for him.

Lewis LaLanne aka Nerd #2
Lewis LaLanne aka Nerd #2

TIP: The Godiva Double Chocolate Cupcakes sold in the Barnes & Noble cafe are positively dreamy. One thing I've heard that I really resonate with is the idea that if something opens you and makes your life better, fuck what everyone else thinks about it. Alcohol is an example that I'm thinking of. Some people just need to stay the fuck away from it. It's something they depend on to get courage or blank out. These people just need to say "No." But some people don't need it. They enjoy it, but if they didn't have it, they'd be just fine. These are the kind of people who you can hardly tell are drunk because they don't over do it nor do they repress their feelings so much of the time that drinking time is the only time you know how they really feel. For these people, I say drink as often as you like. The same goes for cake. Some people, like you, don't let cake run their life. They value themselves more than the feelings they get from cake and as a result of this, they live habits that bring out the best in them which totally over powers their indulgences. You're bad ass Erika and I love this message you're bringing to the world. :)

Chris Tucker
Chris Tucker

One of all-time favorite Bill Cosby lines:)

Amanda Garlock
Amanda Garlock

"Kiss my ass. All of it. Covered with cake." Got here through the OTHER blogging redhead, and I am already giving into the addiction that will be your writing!

Jennifer Houlahan
Jennifer Houlahan

haha! see I love that my husband is a big eater, he never looks down on enjoying food! :)

Chelsea Talks Smack
Chelsea Talks Smack

ABSOLUTELY AMEN, GOOD FOR YOU- I've done that before on dates and ahhh it feels incredible. I also have had an intense love affair with cake for several years, I think it's the most delicious, decadent, CELEBRATORY (even sans celebration, life IS a celebration!) treat EVER. CHEERS!

The Redhead
The Redhead

That is because you are a good man :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

This made me snort-laugh in the Atlanta airport, just so you know.

The Redhead
The Redhead

My blog? Your CAKE? Now if that's not about the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

As one of the people who is tasked with keeping me on the free range men side of life, I thought you'd appreciate this story. Woman, you make cake from scratch and it is GOOD. All hail mousse/cake/pie/dessert!

The Redhead
The Redhead

Maybe because I'm always up at the ass crack of dawn? :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

There will be no cheesecake bitch slap. Cheesecake is blessed in the same wave of the hand as cake :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Chocolate-in-your-face: Steuben's truck Stop Chocolate Cake Olivea - anything they put "cake-ish" on their seasonal menu KJ's coffee shop on 25th/Gilpin - hit and miss if they have it, but the cake here? DIVINE when you can score it. Avoid Dbar like the plague.

Vera
Vera

I made chocolate mousse this weekend and ate a lot of it and loved it! You go!

Ellen Berg
Ellen Berg

I sort of want to go out and kick someone in the crotch just on principle. Who the hell do these guys think they are? I once dated a guy who asked me if I was going to get fat like my mom (a whopping size 8 and 5'10") when I got older. When I asked him if he was going to get fat like his dad (who was pushing 350 at least and under 6'), he got all offended. Douchebag. Every girl should get a copy of this article on her 18th birthday. With cake.

Darleen
Darleen

Love this post and I love cake!! The ass crack of dawn - how do you think of these? :)

Merredith
Merredith

Hubs made 24 luscious cinnamon rolls early on Easter Sunday, them promptly went back to bed sick for 18 hours. He got to pick through the scraps Monday morning. Yummmmm. No regrets. [by the hubs]

Beatriz Alemar
Beatriz Alemar

First reaction: CAKE! Second reaction: Seriously? Third reaction: Wait...no violence? You are a far more patient woman than I am. Kudos for walking away with class and style (AND having had your cake). :)

Kellie J. Walker
Kellie J. Walker

a) So very glad you recognized that you deserve better and walked away from this ass hat. b) If your picker was really broken, you wouldn't have walked away. c) Free-range is probably best. I have a feeling your radar is pretty damn good. d) They really do make men who can not only handle, but actually prefer, women like you - strong, intelligent, witty, unwilling to deny yourself life's pleasures, able to kick his keister when/as needed. Stay red, Red.

Autumn Thompson
Autumn Thompson

I absolutely LOVE cake! I will not eat all day if I have the option to have a piece of cake with the perfect frosting. I made a coconut cake this weekend from scatch. I was so proud on myself. Then guess what.....I had a huge piece! Probably a 1/4 of the cake. Embrace your cake and stop denying yourself! What fun is life worrrying about not eating cake! The sad thing, he probably thinks he didn't do anything wrong!

Kevin
Kevin

I will wait patiently for your bitch slap on strawberry cheese cake. [Latin name: endomorphicus kryptonitica] Cheers, Kevin

April A
April A

Wow! Thank you for making my day with a fabulous read from a ranting redhead. Thank you for not answering the phone... Thank you for validating that we, as women, are allowed to be empowered, and thank you for sharing.

Trackbacks

  1. […] it wasn’t fair to the others. And then Erika wrote this amazeballs post on Redhead Writing, Introducing: Cake. So I had to put it up. All I have to say is more cake, less judgy […]

  2. […] Because of such, I’ve become a regular reader and fan of Redhead Writing. You will, too, after reading this. […]

  3. […] Introducing: Cake “Whatever YOUR version of cake might be, embrace it. Love it. Curl-up next to it in your dreams. Make a home grown porno with it. I really don’t care. But here’s the nitty gritty of the awesomeness that is (actually and metaphorically): We ALL have cake in our lives. For some of us, it looks like this. For others, it’s this. Maybe this. Or this. And no one ever has the right to tell you what you should love. Just like love itself. We trip and fall into it. It’s not something we can wake up and say: hey, today, I’m going to love Bob/Jane/my job/laundry/skiing. It just happens.” ~Erika Napoletano at Redhead Writing If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed! Related Posts:Link Love 4/15 – 4/22/11Link Love 4/1/11Link Love 3/25/11 […]

  4. […] Napoletano is a genius. She wrote a post Introducing:CAKE. I LOVE CAKE by the way. Well, the post isn’t completely about cake. She did ditch a guy who […]

  5. […] post we are using is entitled Introducing Cake. It was posted on April 25, 2011, but was chosen at the recommendation of a listener.   […]

  6. […] which was quite lovely. And yes, I go out on dates. Sometimes. And sometimes I don’t even write blogs about them.) But I […]

  7. […] Go here to see the original: Introducing: CAKE | Erika Napoletano | Speaker, Branding Strategist … […]