My Tawny Kitaen Moment and a Bit on Public Restrooms

my tawny kitaen momentLast night, temperatures here were hovering around 80 degrees. This meant I had permission to put on a strapless dress and sassy heels and haul myself out to dinner to celebrate/commemorate my friend Brian’s impending departure from Denver. Brian and his husband Rich have been fixtures in my life since Jason went into the hospital. Rich is the one I collapsed into when Jason took leave of this mortal coil for one more ethereal. Needless to say, they’re important to me — and for so many reasons more than that.

I artfully inserted myself into Beatrice Olivia the Mini Cooper, donned a sizable pair of sunglasses, adjusted the rack around the seatbelt and pointed myself towards downtown. I thought it was quite fitting that the cheesy keyboard intro to Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” began pouring through my speakers as I turned onto the main road.

I always feel a bit trashy when I put on a strapless top or dress and the Whitesnake serenade only amplified my wardrobe decisions. But fuck it. I have no problem admitting that I, like so many other women, have longed for our Tawny Kitaen moment. There is absolutely nothing remarkable or life-changing about writhing around on the hood of a pair of Jaguars, but there IS  a certain gratuitous satisfaction in knowing that it is possible. But let’s face it — it is undeniably sexy in the vernacular of the late 80s and early 90s. And — Tawny is hot. Though I can’t support the obvious safety implications involved in making out behind the wheel of a moving car (shame on you, David Coverdale), the video has offered motivation for many a kleenex-and-lotion moment for men of all ages.

But I digress.

It’s fun to have memory triggers that take you somewhere else, especially when your Now isn’t a place you’re particularly fond of being. I’ve been in a place cordoned off by writer’s block and it’s a Whitesnake moment that’s brought me here on a Friday to tell you that it fucking sucks immortal moose balls. To have things to say but have nothing at the same time. I sit in front of a keyboard and with all that’s going on in life and business, I show up to you not with some Bitch Slap about how women and public restrooms disgust me (a bit on this in a moment) or a come-to-Jesus-the-Dishwasher, life-changing rant about the business world.

I show up with a blog post featuring 4:34 song about a (have you ever listened to the lyrics?) guy dooming himself to doing the same thing he’s always done — yet again — featuring a redheaded femme throwing herself at him like a goddamn frisbee.

A bit on the ladies and the public restrooms — are you fucking serious?

I’ve ranted about this before, but do you walk into the restroom in your house, piss all over the seat, not flush, and then wait for someone else to come and clean that shit up? No? Well quit doing it in public. I’m tired of playing Bathroom Stall Bingo, which is a curious game of What’s Behind Door Numbers 1, 2, and 3 (sometimes 4 AND 5), just to find a toilet to use that hasn’t been polluted. The Exxon Valdez cleanup was an easier feat than some of the messes you women leave behind. So quit acting like some magic piss-mopping bunny is going to come hopping along behind you when you’re out in public and do these two things:

Pee IN the toilet, not ON it.

Flush it (twice, if need be) when you’re done.

For. Fuck’s. Sake.

I guess the moral of the story is this: there’s no telling what will break you out of your reverie. I drove for a good five minutes last night writhing around on the hood of a pair of Jaguars. In my head. And it brought me to a good place. When this video came out in 1987, I was a freshman in high school and the most complicated thing in my life was possibly figuring out how to get more than a 4.0 GPA and if there were chemicals that would allow me to bleach my hair to a brighter shade of blonde without turning it orange. Ah, the challenges of youth! But maybe we need to go back to simpler times on occasion — when we didn’t have all of the context we have now. A change in perspective is always good to break us out of whatever rut we find ourselves in and this Tawny Kitaen moment was, perhaps mine.

So that’s it. I’ve manufactured 750+ words today on nothing of raging import, but in the process, reminded myself that I should probably find more time in my life for writhing around on hoods of Jaguars — if only in my head. Have a fantastic fucking Friday. I’m going mountain biking tomorrow and will probably run an off-the-couch half marathon on Sunday. Tune in Monday, as it’s likely that the only thing on my body that will be working are my fingers.

Have you read The Shattering? I recently had a guest “manifesto” featured on 800CEOread’s ChangeThis. People seem to like it. Perhaps you will as well. You can download it on the page linked. (click “download” in orange)

Here is a picture of a pygmy hippopotamus. Because you’re fucking awesome, that’s why.

19 comments
Lewis LaLanne aka Nerd #2
Lewis LaLanne aka Nerd #2

I had no idea about the cleanliness of women's restrooms until I dropped my phone in the toilet of one at a sushi restaurant. In my mind, the ladies room was pristine because you didn't have guys hosing into the water and splashing the piss/water back out onto the seat, rim, floor, etc. and then guys/boys/man children who just piss all over everything because they think it's funny. At home or friends homes, I sit down and piss. Not because I don't have a sharp shooter aim but because I've got fire hose like pressure and I can't help but get some back splash. So instead of imposing more cleaning than is necessary on myself or my friends, I take a load off when I take a squirt. But a few months ago I went to a boutique sushi restaurant and after sitting for a few minutes waiting for the single john mens room to open up, one of the female waitresses gave me the green light to raid the ladies room. So, trying to the right thing, I grab my paper towel, lean over to pick up the seat so I don't hit it with splash back and -wheeeeeew PLOP - my phone slides out of my hoodie pocket right into the toilet water. And that's when I was forced to get an up close view of the disaster zone that toilet was. And now, from this experience and your reference here, I no longer operate under the impression that the women's public restrooms are fit for royalty.     

Tim Lewis
Tim Lewis

One of my favorite episodes of "Le Show", Harry Shearer's public radio show, featured  Harry reading an article from the Plumber's Industry weekly newsrag, stating that it was statistically "concrete" that in general, women's public restrooms were FAR dirtier than men's, which of course served as a wonderful punchline for Harry, because it's not what anyone assumes by default...That, combined with the fact that women mostly have no choice but to sit, squat, or hover, to do their business, and I would feel exactly like you state so voraciously yet still eloquently in this article (if I was a woman), not to mention that these are the same places that we send our kids into to go to the bathroom, knowing up front that not matter what we say or do ahead of time, they will absolutely touch EVERYTHING and drag their untied shoelaces through God knows WHAT on the floor, and more times than not, SKIP WASHING their hands before they come back out to greet us with a hug!...Brings a whole new meaning to the notion that we all eat a pound of "dirt" each year... ;-)

Craig McBreen
Craig McBreen

Hi Erika, At the time of this video I was in my early twenties. Yes, I'm that old. I was never that into Whitesnake (was anybody?), but what young guy would not want Tawny Kitaen wreathing on his car hood? I mean even if I had a stinkin' chevette, she could make it work, somehow. Anyway, this rambling post brought back some memories and made me laugh, as my wife has told me on more than a few occasions that most women's restrooms are disgusting. It's still hard for me to believe her, and if you've ever accidentally wondered into a men's room you would understand why ;) Funny, I never bothered to listen to the lyrics. The best lyrics are from that "Friday" song: "Today is friday, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards." I know, she's just a kid, but that is funny stuff.  

Filio
Filio

Speaking of magic piss-mopping bunnies.... I also have a pet peeve with wet toilet seats.... it drives me crazy! So, when I entered a public washroom the other day and found a graphic image on the inside of the bathroom stall door which very clearly indicated that you should sit on the toilet to pee and not crouch over it, I cried with joy... and then took a picture...  

Jackie Dotson
Jackie Dotson

When I was a wee lass, I was at the age where I had learned how to read and responded by reading every single sign I saw whenever we were out riding in the car. Problem is, this was Brooklyn in the 1970s, which meant graffiti was everywhere.  On one such trip, we passed under a freeway bridge where someone had spray painted the phrase "suck moose balls" on the bridge. I proudly read it aloud and it became my motto for YEARS. So much so, when something is bad, to this day, I say, "it sucks moose balls".  So when I read your moose ball sucking declaration today I uttered "YES!, she gets it!"

Bill Wasinger
Bill Wasinger

Point well taken Erika but, ultimately, I kept getting hung up on the imagery of "Mini Cooper" and "Whitesnake video sex." Then I envisioned David Coverdale as he currently looks trying to replicate that video in/on a Mini Cooper. Then I envisioned a Super Bowl ad gone horribly wrong. Then I got sick...

Deidre
Deidre

A) Strapless dresses bring out the sass in every woman. Guaranteed. And I have an exemplary appreciation for your Whitesnake moment. B) Your car has an epic name. My first car was a '97 Chevy Cavalier named Lola...because whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. C) I share your same exact public bathroom beefs. Peeing on the seat is by no means acceptable. If you must, WIPE THE SEAT AFTER. D) I'm a fairly new reader of your blog, and I am very quickly falling in love.  That is all.

Jesse Bussard
Jesse Bussard

Your posts make my day. Love it! Have a fucking fantastic weekend!

Cab
Cab

Doing epic shit off-the-couch? You aren’t helping this crush-thing I have, Erika. Seriously, get on your bike, girl! Things, ALL things, are better while and after riding a bike. xo

strongandcute
strongandcute

Tawny Kitaen always annoyed me, and big friggin deal, she can do a front walkover and a split on a Jaguar.  Ok, clearly she was a dancer and/or a gymnast, but come on, I can't believe guys thought that was so hot.  Sorry, I'm bursting your Tawny Kitaen writhing bubble!   Oh, and you're right about girls "hovering" over the toilet and not cleaning up.  That's why they make those paper protectors so you don't come in contact with the toilet!  Oh, and don't even get me started on those who don't wash their hands after exiting the stall and touching the door handle.  Gak!

Dick Carlson
Dick Carlson

Pretty amazing to go back and watch that again after all this time. I'm surprised that we're outlawing driving while texting, but apparently that stuff was just fine. Different times.

John Trader
John Trader

A "kleenex and lotion moment?" Nice visual. I wish I could say that I sympathize with you on the cleanliness of women's bathrooms but us guys deal with visual and olfactory bathroom horror that would make you cringe and squirm like a church lady on the Howard Stern show. One other thing - you run "off-the-couch" half-marathons? That is H-O-T. Just when my opinion of you couldn't get any more lofty you had to go and throw that in. It takes serious guts to run a half marathon in the first place. To do it with little to no training or nutrition is just plain nuts. Hats off on your ability to do that. Have a great weekend!

Rich Mackey
Rich Mackey

Thanks for the shout out - and for seeing my hubby off in style.  As someone who sits here attempting to resurrect a blog (that apparentely people still READ even though I write almost nothing) AND with 42 blog posts in my head that I can't seem to get out. I sympathize.  Hopefully I can find something to jolt a little bit out of my head and get it down.

talktherapybiz
talktherapybiz

Hi Erika! Thanks for the reminder that I find time to not writhe around in my head, but enjoy the simpler pleasures in life. Last night while you were tooling around in the mini, I was hijacked by my 10 y/o's baseball game: Final score 14-0. Yes, "The Bad News Bears/Special Olympics" scored big on errors. It was excruciating, and Tawny and David and the Jaguar twins would've helped. In fact--and I have to check my 8os lore, but part of the video was filmed just moments away from the ill-gotten "game." In your honor, I will forever flush twice while using public restrooms.

Organpiper
Organpiper

Swomen are no better aiming than men in public rest rooms. My ex-wife always carried a small mister of Lysol with her. I like the plastic flies in some urinals, drowning the sucker every pee opportunity. Ice cubes are fun too, see how many I can melt. The older I get, the fewer I melt.

Tammy Dohner
Tammy Dohner

I love, love, love it when you rant. Signed, another redhead who also writes / rants.