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The Part Where Facebook Thinks I’m a P0rn Star

Confused Camille Crimson

There’s no argument – I snuggle-up and get real intimate with what might consider to be “adult language” on both my blog and Facebook page. I will never back down from my assertion that the word “fuck” is the most useful word in the English language.

For the past few weeks, however, I’ve gotten a flood (a metric fuckton, if you will) of emails, Facebook messages, and wall posts from readers informing me of the following:

similar 3

 

And this one:

Similar 2

 

And perhaps my favorite (surely it’s obvious why):

Similar 1

 

So today (since we’re so SIMILAR), I’d like to take the opportunity to say hello to Miss Camille Crimson, an adult entertainer out of Canadaland.

Everyone, say hello to Miss Camille!

Screen Shot 2013-10-03 at 1.44.36 PM

 

Now, Camille’s a pretty hot sandwich and I’m flattered that Facebook thinks were similar.

After all, we are both redheads.

We both have freckles (giggle).

Might I also say that we both respectively have a nice set of boobs?

And we’re both adult industry professionals.

Wait…

I suppose it really comes (heh – I’m twelve) down to what you define as “adult.”

I mean, I have no doubt Camille’s making a damn fine living (her Facebook page is VERY active). I’m just a columnist for Entrepreneur Magazine, American Express OPEN Forum, and the author of a couple of books. Then there was that TEDx talk a year ago that some folks liked. Some.

Camille seems to have cornered the market on “the art of the blowjob.” Me? I just have no tolerance for the folks who think fucking around is more important than getting shit done. Who knew Facebook’s algorithms were able to make such advanced connections?

So, aside from the glaring similarities that Camille and I share — today, I’m having some fun at Facebook’s expense.

Ya see, this type of “similar to” pairing could happen to your company’s Facebook page as it has mine. If there’s a single word (and I’m betting mine is “redhead”) in your page name that could be targeted by a business or persona that you aren’t particularly keen on being associated with, your audience could see the likes of the lovely Miss Camille Crimson on your “similar to” references on a calendar date coming soon.

Why does this happen? Well, I’ll bet it’s because Miss Crimson is running a Facebook ad campaign targeting certain keywords and interests. And in the Facebook Ad Targeting Tool, she can target me (because my Redhead Writing page comes up in the search box) but I can’t target her page (because hers doesn’t – DAMMIT). How do I know? Because of course, I tried:

like ad targeting

ad targeting biff

It’s also flattering that she likes the Redhead Writing page. (See my update at the bottom of the post about the Facebook ads vs. Facebook’s algorithms…)

So! Back to the fun of it. There’s a ballsy redheaded maven out there targeting my Facebook fans. She’s gorgeous and probably knows WAY more about blow jobs than I ever will. I thought I’d drop by and say hello to her, introduce my audience to her…

And have some fun.

First of all — well played, Miss Crimson. Well played. Your ads are doing the trick. And as a side note, I fully support Miss Crimson’s career choice. I’ll bet that in many circles our brands are equally unpopular. Fuck those people.

As of this morning, I’ve transformed my Facebook page into my version of redheaded porn (which I assure you is more comical than anything). I’m also including a gallery of pictures here that didn’t make the final cut (they will also be on the Facebook page once I hit publish here). I’d like to thank my friend Erin for coming over to my house ON HER BIRTHDAY to take semi-naked pictures of me.

erin email

 

The bottom line is — if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. And have fun doing it.

dog kiss wide eyes maniacal Hippo decided to be in the photo shoot tongue Show stealer. It's STILL all about her. cover image nekkid dog

 

Quick update (8:55am MT): Camille (a very lovely lady) contacted me and said she’s NOT running Facebook ads. So yeah — this is all the work of Facebook’s awesome algorithms. They’re drunk. How awesome is that?!

Is Facebook Hiding Your Messages?

After last Monday’s post filled with Facebook shenanigans, I guess I should have suspected that said shenanigans would continue until I got around to purging my friends list. I’ve been busy. Living. Working. Haven’t done that shit yet. And well, here’s the tasty nugget I woke up to in my Facebook Messages inbox on Monday morning:

Here’s a slow motion replay of my reactions:

  1. WTF?!
  2. WHO is this?
  3. HOW is this guy a Facebook friend since I don’t know who he is?
  4. WHAT on earth is this dude talking about?
  5. Thanks for insulting me and determining of what I am worthy. Saves me the time and effort. Cause apparently, I’m a BITCH. A bitch who has NO idea what you’re talking about.

So, owning the fact that I’m a complete, disrespectful Evil Lady Who Ignores Facebook Messages – especially ones from people I don’t know who are apparently (and unbeknownst to me) interested in me in some sort of social/romantic manner – I decided to dig into the issue.

As The Facebook Turns – No More Message Notifications

Since Facebook went through its gazillionth change in the past year, I found myself not receiving any notifications of messages and few relating to comments. I was actually pretty delighted for the decreased email volume. So, to see what Mr. Disgruntled was talking about, I took my Evil Lady Who Ignores Facebook Messages self over to Facebook.

Here’s what I see, probably like you when I click on my Messages icon:

I don’t know about you, but I see FIVE messages. If they appear to be unread, I click through and read the unread messages from this window. Given that I can receive up to 20 Facebook messages a day on occasion, if you’re not showing up in this “fast five,” I ain’t gonna see ya.

I scrolled up Mr. Disguntled’s message feed to me and, indeed, he had asked me on November 28 if I’d like to go grab coffee sometime. Prior to that, we’d even shared a 4 or 5 line Facebook chat conversation in early November regarding…the weather. Given that I am ice cube-chance-in-hell visible on Chat, it’s not surprising that I’d forgotten about this exchange. So yeah – he’d asked me to coffee. Sent me a few links. None of which I’d seen. He happened to be friends with a few of my close friends here in Denver, which could explain why he got through my Firewall of Friendship.

But more importantly – how many other messages was Facebook hiding from me with their new notification system?!

Digging Deeper – The “Others”

So, I posted something on my PERSONAL Facebook wall about not getting message and comment notifications and my dear friend Colleen chimed in with – ummm…do you know about “Other” messages?

I’m like – what OTHER messages?

And she showed me. Just like I’m going to show you.

Go to your Home Page on Facebook. Click on Messages in the left hand sidebar. When you do that, something mysterious happens…you’re introduced to The Others.

When I clicked on that Monday morning, I had 58 messages swimming around in there. People I’ve shown this trick over the past two days have had numbers ranging from the 20s to over 100, and some dating back to the beginning of the year.

Now, if you’re running a brand page and trying to figure out why responses to your Events are down, this is why. Most brand page events go into The Others folder, just like the shitty movie starring Nicole Kidman goes into the bargain bin of DVDs at the grocery store. (Who buys DVDs at the grocery store anyways?)

In those Other messages were notes from readers of my blog and invitations to events that I would have really liked to have attended. (There was also the unread/unseen invitation to join the gentleman above for coffee.)

How could I stop these messages from going into Facebook’s sneaky, inconvenient Information Purgatory in the future?

The Answer: Reclaim Your Facebook Notifications

If I’m going to have passive-agressive missives flung in my direction, I want to be fully in control and conscious of the behavior that’s inspiring said missives. I also want to be participating, dammit. So I went into the Facebook Account Settings and I’m going to guide YOU through how to get those Message and other notifications back that Facebook mysteriously took away.

Step #1: Top Right Hand Side of Your Facebook Page

Step #2: Top Left Hand Side of the Next Page

Step #3: UNCHECK THIS DAMN BOX!

Step #4: Set Your Notifications

Scroll down the page until you see the Notifications section. You can click on each of the headings (Facebook – where you’ll find your Message notifications – is shown here) and set up the type of emails you want to receive.

No More Hide-And-Seek With Facebook Messages!

So, it would appear that I’m not necessarily the Evil Lady Who Ignores Facebook Messages after all. Facebook’s bogarted all of our notification settings and it’s up to us to reclaim them. And The Others? Hells bells. Go ahead and tell me how many messages you have in your Others folder. I have a nifty, wintery prize for the person with the most! Caveat: you have to upload a screen shot showing your profile name AND the message bubble to the right side of the Others line.

Now, this weekend, I’ll be doing that (apparently) much-needed Facebook Friends purge, as one of my true friends would have rattled my cage in other ways if I’d been ignoring them, as they’d know it was completely inadvertent. And for the record, the gentleman in question appears to have blocked me on Facebook, so I couldn’t even send him a message explaining the scenario.

The next time you assume someone is ignoring you, one of two things is most certainly true:

Option 1: They are ignoring your messages.

or

Option 2: They’re victim to Facebook’s definition of “important” and really have no fucking clue that you dropped them a line.

In my case? Option 2 prevailed.

Happy Facebook Notifications Reclamation Day!

 

How to Add Your Fan Page as Your Employer on Your Personal Facebook Profile

Ultimate Facebook Cheat SheetToday’s guest post is by Michelle Mangen, possibly one of the best Virtual Assistants in the universe. She’s savvy in everything from social media to bookkeeping and can be found online at Your Virtual Assistant as well as on Twitter.

As is typical with Facebook there have been a lot of changes taking place recently. Some time ago we were given the option to “upgrade” to the new personal profile layout. (Note: it may now be required)  Among the many differences in the new layout there are two things you may want to change as soon as possible.

  1. Linking Your Fan Page to Your Personal Profile
  2. Editing Your News Feed Items to Show All Friends and Fan Page Updates

By default Facebook apparently “set up” a new fan page if you previously had a company name listed in your profile as “employer”.  If you don’t change this potential “fans” will be going to the wrong destination.  Do your potential clients and fans a favor and set that link to go to your true page.

In this photo anyone who clicks on “Your Virtual Assistant” will be directed to my actual fan page and not the non-existent page that Facebook created.

FB pan Page Employee 1

You may be one of the lucky ones who can easily add your page by tagging it with @Your Fan Page Name. I was one of the lucky ones. All of my clients haven’t been so lucky….if you are one of those who can’t get your Fan Page to connect by simply tagging it these instructions are for you.

These instructions will only work with the Web Developer Add-On for FireFox or Chrome. Before completing the steps below download this tool for your browser from the appropriate link above and install as necessary.

  1. Go to your Fan Page and copy the Page ID (a long set of numbers at the very end of your Fan Page URL)
  2. Open a separate window with your personal Facebook profile>Edit Profile>Education and Work
  3. Type your fan page name into the employer box ~ don’t be alarmed that it brings up the wrong page
  4. From the Web Developer extension that you installed open the option that reads “Forms” and then “Display Form Details”
  5. Enter the Page ID that you copied from Step 1 into the “employer ID boxes” (NOTE: your page will look different than mine because my Facebook profile attached by simply tagging my fan page name but the picture below will give you a general idea …just be sure to add your page ID to the fields that indicate “employer ID”.
  6. When finished adding in your Page ID into the employer ID fields click save changes at the bottom of the page.
  7. You can now turn off the Web Developer “Display Forms Detail” option and you should see your fan page connected to your personal profile complete with your fan page photo.
  8. Go back to your personal profile and test the link to assure it’s correct.

Congrats on linking up your Facebook fan page to your personal profile!

You may also want to change Item #2 mentioned above. With the massive changes that took place the week of Feb. 6, 2011 your news feed has changed to only show updates from recent interactions you have had with fan pages and friends. If you’d like to show all updates and not limit yourself to only those you’ve interacted recently there is one simple step you have to take.

  1. Select “News Feed” from your home page
  2. Scroll to the very bottom of your news feed page and select “Edit Options”
  3. By default the recent changes are set at “Friends and Pages you Interact with Most” — change this to the other option “All of Your Friends and Pages”
  4. Save