The Bitch Slap: Fuck Santa

Fuck SantaToday is my 41st birthday and I’m totally cool with that.

This year, I decided to do an audio blog — something I’ve never done before. We’ll see how it works.

But here’s the thing: I’m giving YOU a gift this year.

I have three prizes available — and all you have to do is listen to my audio blog and tell me how it made you feel in the comments below.

This time, email comments don’t count (but I do adore you for sending those to me — please don’t stop).

Tomorrow, I’ll pick three winners (US and Canada only, please), get your shipping address, and send those prizes right out to you.

Easy.

So, enjoy my first-ever audio blog: “Fuck Santa.”

 

 

198 comments
jwj170104
jwj170104

For a first ever audio blog, I got to tell you it was pretty high quality stuff!   Love the passion, love the sentiment & got to admit love the cursing!    Great job!

AlainToussaint
AlainToussaint

Hi Erika,


I just found your blog and you kick asses in all of your blog posts that I have had the pleasure to read, especially this one.


For my list, I have exactly one item. The item in question will cost 20 millions to build in 7 or 8 years or 1 million if I wait 15 year. I want to build myself an exaflops supercomputer.


The reason why I want to build it is because I am first, autistic, second, a published neuroscientist, and finally, 99.99% of the published scientific papers and clinical trials are unethical junk who shouldn't pass review and I want to turn the scientific community upside down with good research finding in autism cognition. I want to learn what makes my brain tick.


There is already a research team focusing on the software equation which will develop a platform where you can enter your genome and have a model of the brain running but it's currently an intractable problem in that it need an exaflops computer to run. Not even google or amazon has that processing power.


That will be my lifetime gift to myself but I do intend to share it with the scientific community with some very strict ethical rules.


Alain

Christine Marsh
Christine Marsh

Why do you find a billionaire who will be happy to contribute a few hundred million to your project? ;-)

Christine Marsh
Christine Marsh

Amazing Alain, That is really cool! I am visualizing you being able to build this within the next year! :-D
Aieeeeeeyaaaaaaa!!! Your vision has more power than Amazon and Google combined. Keep going! Sending super starshine power...

AlainToussaint
AlainToussaint

@Christine Marsh Hi Christine. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to build that within a year because the system rely on a few key players which I'll mention below:


The first player is the company adapteva (http://www.adapteva.com/) which is the brain power of 2 engineers working on their parallella architecture. The parallella chips form the basis of the system because such a chip in its 64 core form is able to do 102 billion calculation per second which is nice but a core i7 can do 200. The adapteva team are working on a 1024 cores which will be able to do 1600 billions calculation per second and with that chip, we can consider a supercomputer able to work with a mice brain given 6400 parallella chips. After 1024 cores, the next rendition will be a 4096 cores chip but that will take a few years again (maybe I'll be able to see it in 2015-2016) but to work with the human brain require 163840 of them at least to have an exaflops of computing power and in the case of the autistic brain, that might be more because a few scientific publication from my mentor (Manuel F. Casanova, MD) report that the autistic brain contain on average 23% more neurons as compared with a normal brain. To play it safe, I might double the number of adapteva chip in the system (2 exaflops).


The second player is the Henry Markram research team (http://bluebrain.epfl.ch/) who plan to open source their neurocomputing framework which will be able to take a genome and simulate the brain. At the moment, they are working with a small scale model of the mouse brain and they are able to covers 100 brain columns and a million neurons using their 8192 cores IBM supercomputer. That's the maximum capacity they can work with.


A third player will be a research team in an engineering school to design the interconnexion between the chips. I expect to need from 5 to 10 graduates student and the professor to work on a high speed interconnexion between the chips and ultimately, between the rack. This will cost 2.5$ millions for 5 years of work maximum and I have to add the hardware needed to do this. Figure 5$ millions there.


Last detail but the most crucial one is how I raise the money. Very simple but very complicated at the same time. I will take a stock trading course next year which will cover all aspect of stock, options and derivative of trading and should give me a good base to work on my trading algorithms. I don't expect to be satisfied with the trading system until I get a fully automated trading system which will give me the best hits there is. Optimization of the system is supposed to take me a year but I'm very patient and diligent.


That post should cover the 80% of what's required to build my system.


Alain

AlainToussaint
AlainToussaint

@Christine Marsh Very good question of which I have no answer but the motivation for a trading system beside building the supercomputer is to be able to take from the rich and give to the poor via the many food banks in the Quebec province. It's unlikely that the billionaire would contribute to funding food banks.


Alain

DianeThomas
DianeThomas

Yes! Let's give ourselves gifts! Happy Birthday Erika!!!

@jason_
@jason_

Erika, your audio blog kicked ass just as I expected it to. I completely agree! I remember how I felt when I ran to see what fat ass Santa brought me. I recall getting a bunch of shit I never even asked for! A few things I received were cool, but for the most part I was kind of bummed. 


We're going through the whole is Santa real or Mom & Dad with our seven year old daughter. My wife told me that our daughter believes Santa has magic so he's real. The little assholes at school have apparently been trying to spoil this for her and other children. While I'm happy she still believes, part of me is sad that we lie to our children to keep in the tradition of Christmas only or them to find out Mom & Dad are full of shit! 


Happy Belated Birthday!

I was on the road yesterday so I was unable to reply. My wife is 41 and she gets better each year like a fine wine! :)


Oh yeah, fuck Santa!

carolgcolman
carolgcolman

This post made me feel like the line in the Roling Stones song "Shattered" where they sing "success success success success" - brings to mind images of me dancing in a rain of money (and hedgehogs). I think you have found the key to success in life. I can be my own fucking Santa, even as a nice Jewish girl. I can have dreams, big dreams. The key is the WHY. Sometimes it is WHY NOT? But the "why" is the burning engine that can get you to take action on the things that really matter. OK, hedgehog army - let's roll.


Oh yeah. Happy belated birthday. I just celebrated my 60th and believe I have entered the prime of my life. The sky is the limit. "If things get better with age then I am approaching magnificence." You, my young friend, are already there.

kissmyglasswine
kissmyglasswine

I feel both inspired yet hopeless. If it weren't for this damn economy, I wouldn't have to hustle so much to pay the bills and rent and frivolous stuff like that--and recalibrate my life toward my dreams. Sigh. There's gotta be an answer. I haven't given up on finding it.

Christine Marsh
Christine Marsh

Part of my day so far.

Awakened by a warm hug goodbye from a marvelous man creature.

I fell back asleep and had this dream:

(I have a beautiful friend who is very loving, gentle, and talented. She owns a horse and can talk with animals. Her name is Robyn.)

I am walking through Robyn's stables. I have been there before. I see a variety of horses. I walk by one stall, and it is carefully caged in. The horse inside gets really mad when I get near him and starts thrashing around the stall. I remember Robyn telling me in the past, that it is best to simply stay away from him for now. Leave him alone. Let him have his space. I do this. I am easily able to allow him to be who he is, and step away. He calms down immediately. I see other horses, some nine feet tall and very elegant. Iridescent blue.


I go into another barn, and this tiny little horse, about as big as a dog runs up to me, wagging his horse tail. He is absolutely the essence of pure, childlike, bubbly manatee love. He is on my lap, trying to lick me and I don't let him. I lean back. He keeps straining to lick me, to be close to me, managing to get his warm tongue through my fingers that are blocking him.

I realize that this just isn't working for me. I relax. I relax. I relax. I allow him to do whatever he wants. He basically merges into me, and I wake up feeling so SUPER incredibleamazingscrumptiousawesomesparklylove


Why do YOU care about this?


Because, I absolutely know that - you, Erika, recording that audio, me listening to it, and then reading everyone's responses - absolutely helped me to become one with that horse. Every one of you helped me to have that dream.

I can't wait to see what we do together, me and that horse...


Then I read in my email that I WON WON WON WON WON WON WON WON WON WON  WON!!!

Ai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yaieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D


I am not sure how life is going to get any better, but I know it somehow will!!!!

Sending you all dolphins, manatees, and hedgehogs jumping in the rainbow ocean of scrumptious land...

JWatsonCreative
JWatsonCreative

"Because in my mind all hedgehogs speak Spanish...." Best 10 minutes of my day so far! :)


Seriously good strong words and a powerful message. I enjoyed it and wanted to say "FUCK YEAH!"


Incredibly motivated now to start this day!

roberthbartlett
roberthbartlett

How did this make me feel...Ashamed, I have been  not focused on my wishes, not in balance, not giving what I want to give.

See the world as we built it--> gives me hope that I can change, and explains where I am

Commandant of your own army of summer what wearing hedgehogs --> I laughed at this update of Invictus- I am the captain of my soul

Shit is just shit I also want this on a bumper sticker,

melgallant
melgallant

Well happy (belated) birthday, Erika! I totally missed the email you sent yesterday - saw it this morning. My Christmas wishlist is to get off my butt and get back into yoga. Not sure why I stopped going - well I do know why but I don't know why I let that feeling exist. I feel guilty (yep, there it is) taking that time for myself. Crazy! I shouldn't need permission to do something that is good for my mind, body and soul. So sillly. :)

AngeliqueDuffield
AngeliqueDuffield

Happy Bday!
My list is already done (my biz + life plans for 2014).

Definitely agree - too much shit. 

Love your radio voice! All I heard was "fuck Santa....muah muah muah (a la Charlie Brown) ....fuckity fuck ....hedgehogs...muah muah ...fuck" but it sounds musical when you say it :)


smaartamy
smaartamy

Happy birthday and thanks ... thanks for reminding me of the realization I had when I turned 40. You nailed it. Fab voice, btw. Oh and thanks for - as always - being real. xx Amy

backtoallen
backtoallen

Holy shit. How did this make me feel? Like I should print t-shirts that say FUCK SANTA on the front and FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK on the back and hand them out to everyone who needs either a lift or a swift kick in the ass. Myself included. I have a feeling I'll be listening to this long after the fat man eats his last cookie on Dec. 25. Happy Birthday!

technator
technator

This is why I've begun to follow you, Erika. You get down to the brass tacks and call things for what they are. Love it! This is the sort of encouragement I've needed for a long time - always feeling like "What right do I have to ask for things?" All the while noticing that those who do, often get what they asked for...


My list begins with a trip to Cuba next summer. Now I don't feel like it's wrong to ask my family and friends to help me get there!


Thanks!


Mike G.

NatePhill0504
NatePhill0504

hmmm...   "Manatee of Love", "Fuckwit", have you been driving with me again?  ;-)

At yoga yesterday our teacher asked us what we would give the universe, not what did we need from it...  I thought, Balance, Love and Understanding (oh, and World Peace   ;-)).  Seriously, the most important thing to me, is to find something with real purpose.  A project where my skills make a difference, and help people be better in their lives.  And, where I can get to see my family more in the process.

Thanks for being part of the motivation.  Between you and the "Fuckwits" out there, I am sooooo going after it.  I started about an hour ago.  Fire up the network and let's see what planet we land on!

Happy Birthday kido, hope our paths will cross one day.

Nathan

MaisieSmith
MaisieSmith

A delicious rant... truly!  Those things we need to hear most hit us the hardest and cut us to the very center.   You hit a  nerve, for sure.   I'm flipping through my dusty "soul catalog" tonight and circling all of those awesome things that I was too afraid to ask for (because nice girls always get the shaft when we give, give, give and never ask for anything in return).  And I'm going to find that thing that makes me bolt out of bed every damn morning... ready to fucking rock!


Happy birthday, you saucy sage!

fredericsauriol
fredericsauriol

Hello Erika


My list is done honey, and it's long. Your helping me thought going for it. Your anger is liggit and it made me hungry. 


So I wnet for the left over and chew my moment. Then grab the pen and underline what's more important.


We see the word we built, got to love that even though sometime it's a scary boring moment, but jee often the inside way is not enought to make the change. A bit of luck, sheer daring and a system that can built you a residual income will make the difference. 


Make the marathon red women your on the path of your succes.


My why is my kid's for sure but My first WHY is for me to be alive and kiking butt for the rest of time. Fuck yeah

I'm in the constructing party mode all the time, including sauna and skying.


Thanks dear.



Frédéric sauriol

debullion30gmail.com

JohnBunka
JohnBunka

Holy Shit! I no longer have to read your blog, thank you! I can just listen and this makes me happy!

ShellySK
ShellySK

Happy Birthday! How did it make me feel? Sad. I wanted to Bitch Slap you out of giving a day or a fat guy in a red suit the power to limit your ability to ask for things or to receive. What the Hell? Really? Make the list. Make it long. Add to it. Delete something. Change the order. Know that just cuz you wanted it yesterday, today it could be just shit and you also have the power to change your mind. Tomorrow isn't Christmas and your birth"day" will have passed (unless you're taken some hell of plane ride). My wish for you is that you ask and receive great things tomorrow, and the next day and the next. May your list be long. And yes, Fuck Santa, you don't need him. He's just a guy who needs to hit the gym slowing down the sleigh ride.

chelpixie
chelpixie

A little freaked at thinking about asking for what I really want because of the risks involved. And my GOD, you should record audio more often. It made me feel sad because we forget how to feel that excitement and hopeful that everyone can find their own excitement and peace with whatever holiday season they may be celebrating.

Happy Birthday!

Latest blog post: SHIFTing Forward

FreshLime
FreshLime

How it makes me feel?  Like you'd be a great voice for motivational audio books. I love the message in this first edition... and I always give myself things at Christmas that I would never buy for myself any other time of year. This year, I'm giving myself a trip that pushes my boundaries and makes me a bit uncomfortable because we all get too comfortable in our homes, surrounded by our things, and then we get complacent and don't grow and experience and learn as much. Happy Berfday!

vitalady
vitalady

I love this, Erika! Just today I was thinking about this very thing... what I want; why I can ask for it and expect to get it, too! I love your caveat about WHY: Why do you want it, and how will it better you? Perfect!


MaggieBratcher
MaggieBratcher

When I think I can't, I can. Your message applies to my regular ordinary life too. I stirred the pot, my picture is of me as Santa. As a woman, playing Santa was mind bending. Santa has so much power. It was eye opening!! 

JeffHubbard
JeffHubbard

Happy 41st Erika. 

Maybe it's the fact I have been pinned up in a house for the past four days due to a heavy ice storm in Texas.  However, the message felt very intense.  I really, really had to focus and listen carefully to the pace, rhythm, emotion and points being made.  I probably need to listen to it again since I have a few clues and expectations of will unfold in the next 9 mins and 7 secs.

I can easily tell you by the end of the audio I quickly strolled through my wishlist, the stuff that makes me the happiest.  My four favorites:  Growing African Violets.  Raising pigeons for exhibition.  Fishing.  Most importantly using my skills to help other people.  Quite often it's through my sheer determination and work ethic.  At times it's my creative nature.  At other times it is simply stepping up and volunteering to do the work until the other person gains their footing and confidence.

 

Philip D Mann
Philip D Mann

Impressions and thoughts on the fly:


Visions of "Fight Club the Ministry" . . . Fuck other people . . . my hedgehogs are all ninja . . . never wish or want; identify, plan, aim, and destroy anything in your way . . . with your team of hedgehog ninja . . . in order of importance: be, do, have . . . every day is special . . . 


Happy Tuesday . . . looking forward to more . . . my hedgehog ninja are watching . . . 

razzii
razzii

Happy Birthday! 

When you are no longer the santa believing kid or playing 'santa' with believing kids and Christmas ends up a harder negotiation of happiness than world frikken peace for the family…. it can feel simply like another chore!


Thanks for the passion in your audio… I am pumped for Christmas holidays because I can't wait to make that list with a header…"Thing's that make my soul happy"….


Something for me as a gift to me…. a list of shit to conquer to take awesomeness up a notch in 2014! 



pofftown
pofftown

first happy birthday. I enjoyed your first audio blog and I too think that we can miss ourselves when thinking about all the stress that does come with Christmas. I just had a birthday and each year that passes I think that the more I feel like I deserve what I want partly because My wants aren't about things, it's about letting go of voices in my head, expectations of being better than and recognizing that life is a series of singles and not a grand slam.

please do more of the audio blogs. it's a great format (and perhaps one day you'll be doing your own podcasts.

have a very happy birthday and stay warm!

amyjewel
amyjewel

Happy Fuckin' Birthday, Erika!
I love your audio, and hope you do more of them.

Birthday and x-mas have sucked since I was a kid.  Now I designate an alternate day to celebrate my b-day and x-mas, and I honor at least one thing on that wish list.  Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in feeling this way.  Fuck Santa!

abqandrea
abqandrea

The warble that comes in and out of your voice is so affecting. So affecting it makes my tear ducts warble, too. I love it because I am anything but a dickhead. And I love it because I love you. Happy Birthday, dear Erika.


ASSEMBLE THE HISPANIC HEDGEHOG ARMY!

Jennifer Kent
Jennifer Kent

You managed to make me face yet another raw and open wound in my soul. 


It seems I need to sit down and make that wish list, adding all of those things I try so hard to deny I want. It is funny that after a while of telling your self you can't have something because you will never be good enough or it isn't realistic, you do actually start to believe it.


Well fuck that. The only things I can't have are those things that I tell myself I can't have. 


Thanks for the heart felt wisdom and I hope you had a fanfuckingtastic 41st birthday!!!

BradleyRyan1
BradleyRyan1

"Shit is just that."  I need this on a bumper sticker.  I'm 45 so your comments ring true like the bite of the sub-zero arctic mother-fucking front that was hanging over us for the past week.

r4ck3d
r4ck3d

Happy Birthday!! 


I LOVE this format. Keep it coming, PLEASE. 

And while it's not my birthday, it made me feel like you made this just for me today. I needed this so much. This validation that I'm not nuts wanting more for myself. GOD DAMN. 


I'm off to make my list and can't wait to listen to your next blog.

NikkiGroom
NikkiGroom

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!


Secondly, I've got the mother-of-all migraines, but listened anyway, so excuse the short response.


How did it make me feel? 


Seen. Like I mattered. Like what I want is actually fucking important. And inspired -- to write a list of stuff that actually MEANS something to me.


I loved this format! More, please. 

megcarpen
megcarpen

I loved your first audio blog! Loved it, loved it, loved it. It did everything that I needed, it made me cry, made me laugh, and it made me question the things I've been filling my head with for years. I've always told the people around me "No, don't get me anything, Christmas is for the kids." Not just because I, like you, don't need the shit. But because it was for kids. 

"Those childhood wishes were for kids." 

"I'm too busy working to have wishes."

"I'm too tired to dream."

And those three sentences have got to be the worst thoughts in the world. I'm crying just thinking that I've held them as truths for so long. 

So you are completely right, fuck those thoughts, fuck the idea that only certain people, at certain times of the year can have dreams. And fuck the idea that they can only come true on special days. Everyday the sun rises is a special day!

So thank you, thank you for reminding me that we are responsible for our dreams and wishes, that everyday is fucking special, and for always being willing to provide bitch slaps when they are needed the most.

jccarcamo
jccarcamo

I love this! Thanks for reminding me of who I am...and Happy Birthday!

jweise03
jweise03

HELL YEA!!! ya wanna know what I want???  I want you to keep doing this to WAKE EVERYBODY ELSE UP!!!!! right on. oh.... and keep your shit, its not on my list lol :p

KeenanP
KeenanP

I liked your audio blog.  I hope you keep this up.  And, as far as the subject matter goes, I bought myself a new desktop tower for my main computer.  Did this before this blog.

KarieBarrett
KarieBarrett

Happiest of birthdays and thanks for the great piece. While I'm not a fan of audio and video usually, it was great to hear your passion. I'm finding that your 40's are the most transformative years of your life as a woman. It's a time of great personal understanding. i walked into this decade determined to treat myself as well as I treat everyone else and make sure my own dreams come true along the way. i have my list and my deadlines and they keep me moving forward and free me from saying yes to things that I really don't want to do. You make your dreams come true, that's just not something anyone else can do.


I had the amazing fortune of being raised by a woman who believed strongly in the magic of birthdays and Christmas and pulled off some amazing experiences on a very limited budget at time. As an adult, she taught me the best presents come from yourself. She always went out and bought herself the things she really, really wanted for Christmas or her birthday and thus, they were always amazing as she was never disappointed.  She also strongly believed that you should buy yourself the things you really want throughout the year as you never know what tomorrow will bring and regret is ugly. The same idea applies to relationships - say and do today that which is important, because you may not get the chance ever again. Live fully today and be mindful of tomorrow.


Will there be a Dell Alienware X18 laptop and a tablet under my tree this year? OK, maybe not under my tree, but the laptop may show up on my desk since I put the ask in my yearly self-evaluation along with why I need it to. As for the tablet, that I'll probably buy for myself because I need it to free myself up from my desk and make working those extra hours on my personal projects more flexible. It's those projects that are my dreams today and the pathways to by bigger dreams for tomorrow.


Happy Birthday - You've arrived at 41 - what's next?

gfdrob
gfdrob

I like your style of motivation. Made me think about all the lists I have been making in my head...keeping silently to myself. I've started to write them down, and ask for them. I'm ready to take some of that nice stuff that I have earned myself.

Christine Marsh
Christine Marsh

Here is some of my list in the form of questions...

Why is it that I am so wealthy financially, emotionally, and spiritually because I have effectively and prosperously shared my supertalents with those who yearn for them?

Why is it that I now own a Cintiq Companion - 512GB, and create marvelous things everywhere I go?

Why is it that it feels so awesome to be driving my new car that is great on gas?

Why are all my relationships so amazing?

Why have I helped to create a Horses-as-Healing-Retreat for people who have been abused?

 

Why is it simply okay for me to be me in every way at all times?

Why  is it that I turned 41 43 days ago and also have red hair like Erika?

Why  is it that hedgehogs like to hang out with manatees and blow iridescent love bubbles?


Why is it that I will read about how Erika had the best birthday ever every day?!

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  1. […] crazy title of this post will be explained once you listen to a rah-rah audio post by the ever wonderful Erika Napoletano, who turns 41 today. She writes about business, […]

  2. […] Be sure to check the audio blog page’s comments yesterday. I’ll have winners selected by 9am CT this […]