The Bitch Slap: I Hope It’s Worth It

bitch slap - are you being jello?

This is not a human being.

While catching-up this past week with an ex-boyfriend who’s become a friend over the past year or so, I mentioned that we should get together and chat about life, real-time.

The he mentioned that, yeah – that wasn’t going to happen because his girlfriend would flip her shit.

I said, “Bring her!” He responded that BP would buy us a brand-new Gulf of Mexico before that happened.

I really hope she’s worth it.

How often do we dick around with things in our life and let them run US instead of the other way around? Since when can people forbid us, prevent us or otherwise act an a barrier to what we want? Let’s think of this from a business perspective:

You had clients and customers long before your current ones rolled into your cash flow (kinda like friends, ex-significant others and whatnot). When something or someone new comes along, it should be a compliment – a delightful addition – to a business that you love and the reason you say “Shit Howdy!” when you head to the office each day. It should be a state of symbiosis where you each give the other what you need and want. You indulge in compromise. And while I’m not saying go out and say “shove your NDA where your ass hair grows,” it’s a relationship based on mutual respect.

I like yas. I’ll help yas.

Perhaps there are some pompoms.

When something or someone new comes along, that’s not a sign from the divine to scrap everything you’re doing, love, like and cherish to become their bitch. While the example that prompted this week’s bitch slap was a romantic relationship (not mine, though I’m guilty), take a good, hard look at your life.

Life is multi-faceted. A glimmering jewel reflecting prism-cast rainbows on every wall we pass, rain or shine. I don’t believe in the word impossible and I think we each have within our grasp the ability to bask in happiness. There’s nothing that can keep me from what I want, aside from my predisposition to walk around with my head in my ass.

And it usually has to do with the power I’ve allowed another person to have over me and my subsequent downgrading of what I WANT on the list of WHAT’S IMPORTANT.

Stop it. For all that’s chocolate in the Godiva shop, just stop it. Please. If you’re too much of a pansy to say, “I like my life and my business! This is me and my very own Legion of Awesome! If you want to be a PART of it, that’s soooo pimp. But hey – if you want to consume me and be my only priority, I’m not taking off my Super Suit just so you can feel important…”

then maybe you need to think of why you need someone else to define who you are and what you need or want.

When you let someone else take the reigns of your life, you’re saying, “I can’t think for myself.”

Really? You can’t? So sorry – my bad. I didn’t realize that you were a quivering, non-thinking mass fashioned of orange jello and fruit cocktail. You appeared to be human.

Because when posed with the question: is it worth it?

The answer is, most inarguably, no.

Here are three things you can do today to keep your Super Suit and stay at the helm of your Legion of Awesome:

  • Think about compromise versus sacrifice (I covered this way back when in The Hallway).
  • Pen and paper – do it now. Tell YOURSELF what’s important. Seal it in an envelope and attach it to your fridge. Each time you forget, threaten to open it and prove yourself wrong. Then you’ll have to go find another envelope. Pain in the ass. Be honest with yourself and keep from opening it.
  • Get some front-stabbers. These are friends who will tell you to your face when you’re being an orange jello mold instead of a person. While I’m a huge fan of block party jello creations, I don’t really want to establish relationships with them. And you can’t, really. (It’s JELLO, for fuck sake – it has no backbone or personality aside from being “wiggly jiggly fun.”)

You’ve been slapped. Awwyeah.

31 replies
  1. Me.
    Me. says:

    Very very cool…my last gf was my gf as long as she fit into my happiness…I'm still happy. She's not my gf anymore.

  2. Kory McDow
    Kory McDow says:

    Erika, it's crazy how you seem to know exactly how and when to bitch slap me. I needed this article so much this morning. Thank you, may I have another!

  3. The Redhead
    The Redhead says:

    Sometimes people don't fit anymore. Kudos to you for not stringing her along out of “ease,” as ease hurts more than cutting the cord and letting her go find her own happiness 🙂

  4. Carole
    Carole says:

    LOVE the jello analogy – it's perfect. Isn't it ultimately all about trust? If you go into business expecting your clients to fuck you over, guess what they'll do? If you have a boyfriend and can't trust him to have coffee with an old girlfriend, whaddayathink he's gonna do?


    Great post – thanks! And a good laugh too, you DO have a way with words:-). ““shove your NDA where your ass hair grows,” No idea what an NDA is, but snorting all over the keyboard anyway.

  5. ShellyKramer
    ShellyKramer says:

    I'm a front stabber ……. I recognized myself. And in spite of the fact that orange is my favorite color, it looks like crap when in jello form and all over your cute ass. Great read, tootsie. Right ON and all that other crap.

    Love ya.


  6. davinabrewer
    davinabrewer says:

    Like Shelly, I'm also a front stabber.. gotta get me some more of those. Love the compromise vs. sacrifice reminder, that lesson on settling so hard to learn. Yeah that personal self inventory b.s. can be a pain in the ass, but if you don't ask yourself the hard questions, give the honest answers.. you're not gonna find what's worth the struggle. Wow, I kinda liked being smacked around a little, thanks for this.

  7. Erika
    Erika says:

    Interesting… sometimes I find myself asking – “This is the person I'm taking advice from? Really?” Other times I try to look myself in the mirror and say, “How much of what they are saying is true and I should own up to it?” I like the envelope idea most. Because in the end I am trying to figure out WHAT I THINK IS IMPORTANT rather than hearing it from others. But when all else fails I call on the phone the people that will tell me what I want to hear. THANK GOODNESS for FRIENDS!!! :)P

  8. Mariano Franco
    Mariano Franco says:

    Your thoughts made me think of this letter I was compelled to pen onto the back off my Moleskine journal a couple of years ago, immediately after having read it. It was written by another courageous and feisty red head to her husband to be right before they were to marry…

    “I shall not hold you to any medevil code of faithfulness to me nor shall I consider myself bound to you similarly. If we can be honest, I think the difficulties which arise may be avoided should you or I become interested deeply or in passing in anyone else.

    Please let us not interfere with the the others work or play, nor let the world see our private joys or disappointments. I may have to keep some place where I can go to be by myself now and then, for I cannot guarantee to endure at all times the confinement of even an attractive cage.

    I must extract a cruel promise, and that is that you will let me go in a year if we find no happiness together. I will try to do my best in every way and give you that part of me you know and seem to want.

    Amelia Earhart – February 7, 1931

    She also said…

    “Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. The soul that knows it not, knows no release.”

    Let the front-stabbing commence! : – )

  9. Batman
    Batman says:

    Apparently, my blog entry has been usurped by others, and no longer shows up on the first page. Sad, really. Glad you weren't commenting on my material 🙂

  10. Batman
    Batman says:

    Apparently, my blog entry has been usurped by others, and no longer shows up on the first page. Sad, really. Glad you weren't commenting on my material 🙂

  11. LynetteRadio
    LynetteRadio says:

    Related but unrelated, I had the opportunity to connect with an ex for an amazing piece of business, and he refused (and cost himself some coin) because he could not face his wife and tell her that his biggest cash-cow client is his ex-girlfriend. I say get over it, if he was that great in the first place, I wouldn't have let him go…. but as a client he would have been quite the catch.


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