The Bitch Slap: Ladies, Really?

bitch slap ladies peeing

I couldn’t find a picture of a girl with piss-poor aim

This past weekend, I went to a movie theatre in Santa Monica to take in a viewing of True Grit with my friend Tim. Upon arrival, I had to hit the ladies’ room. I walked in and began thepush door open

glance

WTF – next stall

routine until I found one fit to use.

Ladies – you’re getting bitch slapped.

Do you live in squalor in your own home? I find it hard to believe that any of you walk into your own bathrooms, pop a squat, piss all over the seat and then walk out without flushing. So since you don’t do this at home, why the FUCK do you think it’s acceptable to do it in public? I really think there should be a mandatory piss test when you go to get your drivers license.

It’s disgusting. Women’s restrooms worldwide look like bombed-out underground shelters and those of us who had a little too much green tea at sushi end up walking through them like we’re navigating a minefield. And then there’s the domino effect:

  • You’re a pee slob
  • You render the stall unusable
  • A bathroom with 8 stalls goes down to 6 on account of you and your cohorts

The line gets longer and I begin to feel that no matter where I am, I’m the oldest chick at a New Kids on the Block concert who’s been sipping too much Diet Pepsi.

I didn’t come over to your house and take a crap on your welcome mat, so quit using the world as your bathroom. And don’t give me the argument about all of the germs lingering in public restrooms. Curious about what you can really catch from a stop, drop, pee and roll in public? Check out this article from WebMD. We wander through life thinking that germs will kill us and run screaming from them at every opportunity, but in the meantime, your filthy bathroom behaviors make all of us want to puke.

Worried about what you’ll catch? Get a pee funnel. Get some hand sanitizer. Wash your fucking hands. But quit leaving the public restrooms of the world an ungodly mess for those of us who know that toilet seats are made for sitting on, no pissing on. And if you experience a moment of poor aim while you bust a hover move:

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!

You’ve been slapped. (Do guys deal with poor piss etiquette?)

78 comments
Sunrunner Lass
Sunrunner Lass

I might have missed it, but I haven't seen anyone talking about hover poopers.  OMG, they're taking over the ladies' restroom in this damn place.  And the ones who leave floaters and nuggets behind.  I've left many a note taped to the mirror, but it just seems to enrage the mad shitters even more.  Nasty, nasty "women" here...

Liz Jaeger
Liz Jaeger

Kelly...ahem...broke the seal when mentioning the wrapping of the tampons but I must not close this post without bringing up the evidence left on the rim from when you removed said tampon.... Or even better, those who do all of the business, drop it on the top of the trash can, and leave it ALL over the commode, seat and not flush.  Seriously, how disgusting of a human being are you that you know you've done that and you simply walk away??!! This happens at my workplace ladies' room all of the time. It turns my stomach and, when I bring it up to the few women in my company, they all agree that it's gross, but none of us knows who it is...how is THAT possible?? And my other rant was the time I went into the ladies room at my job (this is an executive office building in NYC, not Starbucks or a restroom shared with the whole building. A restroom that was shared by 3 companies with an approximate total of 20 women) and someone had dumped an entire can of soda across the counter where all of the sinks are! It isn't like this person didn't have any access to water and paper towels....I was appalled. Thank you for creating the post I've always wanted to write. I've said it before, your writing is awesome.

The Redhead
The Redhead

I was talking about pee funnels the other day, but most women can't pee normally, judging by the state of public restrooms, so why give them apparatus?

Lesley
Lesley

THANK YOU! I freaking HATE it when see pee on the seat, let alone when my mind is somewhere else and I accidentally SIT in it. That is gross beyond GROSS. A few weeks ago I walked into the restroom at my office and Every Single Toilet had pee all over the seat. Seriously, if you're s squatter, go ahead and use one of the toilets that already has pee all over it. Don't go to a clean one and ruin it, too.

Danny Brown
Danny Brown

It's actually a ploy by us guys to make you ladies look bad. We have a team of secret Piss Ninjas that make our way into ladies toilets, whazz our wizz all over the place, then leave. Seems to be working. ;-)

Ari Herzog
Ari Herzog

Part of the problem is the societal term of bathroom. There's no bath in the room.

Chris Gregoire
Chris Gregoire

You know what cracks me up the most? You "Hover people" that get it on the floor. Your shoes are more covered in piss because of it. If people sat down, more would end up in the bowl, and then you wouldn't track through it, and carry those germs home with you. Your hovering spreads more germs to your home. Which makes a little part of me smile inside.

Martintag
Martintag

Yep, we have a set of rules to live by...more like a code.; "Don't piss on the seat, and if yer drunk, use the tissue and clean up, cuz the next damp surprise might be on you."

Kristel Hayes
Kristel Hayes

Thank you...seriously...thank you. I can't tell you how many times I've ranted about this, and to the face of friends who are actually GUILTY as charged. I think your rant is probably much more eloquent than mine, so I've made it a point to share.

MichaelEdits.com
MichaelEdits.com

Any veteran of the restaurant business can tell you that the ladies' rest rooms are always worse. I first became a toilet cleaner in 1979, for $2.65 an hour, and the ladies liked to wet wadded toilet paper and fling it at the ceiling. I choose not to think about what they were wetting it with. Maybe that's how the ladies cope with being so much more civilized than guys the rest of the time.

Amanda Morris Johnson
Amanda Morris Johnson

My first job ever was cleaning restaurant bathrooms at a pizzeria in Cherry Creek. Ewe, ick. The women's bathroom is by far worse. What are they trying to flush for God's sake? I got used to simply pouring bleach all over everything before even starting. I can't smell anything. Do you think that could be the reason?

MicahDL
MicahDL

I fucking hate when this happens. And why does it seem to happen primarily in movie theatre bathrooms? Seriously. I want to punch these women in the clam.

Crolling66
Crolling66

I have to take my daughters (shes 5) word for it but she will not go in a womens restroom because they are usually "disgustingly gross". She will march in a mens room and find a stall and usually comment about how much cleaner they are then the girls. what they hell do these women/girls do in there????

The Redhead
The Redhead

I am perplexed as well. Should you find an answer, please do let us know.

Matt Given
Matt Given

Erika - This is Matt's wife guest commenting for Matt. I have 4 adolescent boys in my house (Matt plus 3 jockstrap sons). And our bathroom and sometimes our entire house smells like a urinal. These boys can't aim for shit. We are building a new house in Eldorado Springs and I am turning the detached garage into a full on locker room for these neanderthals. Whew - Thanks, I feel better. It's smart to carry handi-wipes everywhere...

Karen Bice
Karen Bice

Erika, on behalf of all females, I thank you. What is just as annoying, and hypocritical, are the women who leave their paper toilet seat covers where they left them for the next female in line to find. I also think some of these women do live like this in their own homes and assume everyone else has the same unsanitary habits they do.

Erin
Erin

This is so very true, but people in general are guilty of being thoughtless and impolite when they're not in their own house and don't have to clean up. I worked for a janitorial company for a couple of years, and the things people put in their trash can (rather than dump out in the sink; like an entire cup full of coffee from Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks which smells nasty at the end of a work day) is just disgusting. People also seem to take no care in not dropping food all over the place on their table and on the floor in restaurants. This is aimed at a much more pressing, vile subject, though. I just know that people in general are slobs if they don't have to deal with the mess. It's a depressing fact of life.

Penemuel
Penemuel

Yes! I've run into the same problem in our bathroom at work, which is NOT public and requires a key card to get in! Honestly, what on earth do these people do at home? WHY do they not clean the seat? And good gods, WHY do they not wash their hands?! It's disgusting! The only thing I'll excuse is the possibility of not everything flushing, because we have automatic flush toilets and a couple of them are a little hyperactive and flush during, but not always after. O_o

Charity Fowler
Charity Fowler

I have never understood this, and it seems to be an epidemic. Not only at the movie theaters and airports--but it happens in our very nice, cleaned twice a day, single stall bathroom at work. If there is any "public" restroom that it should be fine to sit in it's that one! But there are people in the office who still manage to pee all over the seat, or leave it unflushed, or something equally disgusting. Who are these people who think this is okay? If you don't want to sit on the seat--that's what seatliners are for. If the seatliners are gone, use toilet paper. If you still think the evil germs can get you, then how hard is it to wipe up your own pee instead of expecting the next woman in line to do it? I will never, ever understand the mentality that says this behavior is okay.

BibliophileGirl
BibliophileGirl

I'll join the chorus and agree - this is one of my pet peeves. And to add to it - given the disgusting state of things, the non-hand-washing is equally disturbing. Whenever I see someone just flush, leave the stall and go straight out the door, all I can think of is that Windows Phone commercial where the guy picks up his phone he dropped in the urinal - REALLY!? Oh and another thing - GET OFF THE PHONE! YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM! /end rant. :)

CrazyBroadRants
CrazyBroadRants

Hilarious! And so in need of being said. One place I have found shockingly clean: service plazas along the Florida Turnpike. You'd think they'd be a horror show but they are kept pretty clean. So there is hope!

Corrigan
Corrigan

Having worked in a theater in high school cleaning both restrooms, the ladies ALWAYS was worse.

Grace Boyle
Grace Boyle

Guys definitely deal with piss poor etiquette but I'm not one, so I won't speak for their gender (only heresay and pictures have proven to me). BUT seriously? Why are women's stalls so gross. Maybe really, some women have disgusting bathrooms and really do pee all over the seat! Gross. On the floor too. Toilet paper around the seat. Just grossness. And I encounter it at many public restrooms. I'm not sure why it's so hard to be clean but this is suuuch a true and great bitch slap!

ValleyWriter
ValleyWriter

You go girl! This drives me nuts. Even worse than movie theater/airport bathrooms is when it happens at work (I work in a private office). Really? You can't even muster some respect for your coworkers? And how about "floaters"? It takes 2 seconds to check to make sure everything's "all clear" - I'm sure you're not in that much of a rush to get back to work!!

Melinda
Melinda

On a recent trip to China, I encountered squat toilets for the first time. By about 2 days into the trip, I had become a HUGE fan of them, at least in public restrooms... and this is precisely the reason. Think we could encourage Americans to adopt "new" hardware?

Richard
Richard

Are you kidding do men have a problem with this? Walk in to a men's bathroom and you better not have a shoe lace dragging or the bottoms of your pants touching the floor. It is like wading through a sea of pee. Not only at the urinals where they can easily hang over the ledge and not pee on the floor but in the stalls they spray everywhere. There is nothing I hate more than using a public restroom. This doesn't even address the guy next to you at a urinal peeing on your shoes because he can't shoot straight. Phew got that off my chest.

The Redhead
The Redhead

Ah - the chicken/egg debate grows new wings.

Alysson
Alysson

"Thus the reason *I* do my level best..." Proofreading FAIL!

Alysson
Alysson

Thus the reason do my level best to use public restrooms as infrequently as possible. I used to think men were pigs, but women seem to have seen how well being a pig works for men and have adopted the practice themselves. Which is both disconcerting and disappointing, as I always believed that women understood that if you make a mess, say...piss on the toilet seat, someone has to clean that up. And that cleaning up someone else's piss isn't on anyone's to-do list when you find yourself doing a pee-pee dance in a bathroom stall. Inconsiderate assholes FTW! :(

Mandi
Mandi

Which came first? Squatting to avoid gross public toilet seats? Or public toilet seats got gross from messy squatters?

TheDudeDean
TheDudeDean

Ericka, guys have these things called urinals in public restrooms. :-D

Jim Littlewood
Jim Littlewood

Guys have the upper hand in in equipment when it comes to peeing in the up-right position, so a missed shot is rare (unless done on purpose). As for the other end of business, us outdoor types (male and female) have a bit of practice with the hover technique. As for the status of men's rooms, all are subject to the douchebaggary of pee slobs.

The Redhead
The Redhead

Are you kidding me? I use the Men's restrooms frequently when the line for the Ladies is too long. There's never pee on the seat because the seat is terminally up! :)

Bradley
Bradley

And here I thought it was just men's rooms. I am not sure some men even bother to go toward a toilet or urinal. As long as it is near the restroom... close enough.

Kelly Tidd
Kelly Tidd

I clean the locker rooms at a yoga studio once a week and I can state for a fact that the women's locker room is by far more disgusting than the men's room. Frequently, the ladies don't flush, they throw their paper towels on the ground, they get mouth wash all over the counter and leave the little cups all over the place. Cleaning the women's locker room is an exercise in futility because I could have it spotless and in 3 minutes, a hoarde of women will come through and trash it again. Ladies, just because it's not your home and you're not responsible for picking it up, does not mean someone isn't going to have to deal with your nasty mess. Have some respect for your fellow human beings and just try and be a little more tidy. Oh, and if you aren't going to flush that tampon, wrap it up in toilet paper before throwing it in the trash can, for god's sake. I have almost vomitted when emptying the trash and seeing that.

Lizzzarde
Lizzzarde

THANK YOU. This is on of my pet peeves. I get so sick of disgusting fucking public restrooms. Seriously ladies, if you are that worried about germs, line the toilet seat with toilet paper. If you insist on squatting, have the god damned decency to wipe your pee up!!! GRRRR. {and I'll bet you women who do this bitch when the man in your life pees on the toilet seat at home, don't you???}

Shelly
Shelly

I could not agree more... History has shown women complaining about men leaving the seat up at home and then they have the gall to do that shit in public restrooms... I JUST DON'T GET IT either!! I'll admit to the hover -- but I ALWAYS take some TP and wipe up any splashes - and then (obviously a novel idea...) I WASH my hands :)

D.T. Pennington
D.T. Pennington

You're assuming, of course, that ONLY women use the women's room. And you're assuming that's pee on the seat.

Carol Roth
Carol Roth

That's why I use the men's room sometimes. LOL. Well said

Lady Disdain
Lady Disdain

For women who somehow think they are being sanitary by the squat-and-piss method, I wonder why they don't feel that wiping the seat down from their splatter should be part of that method. Some girls need to watch Pay It Forward once more with feeling.

Bryce Alan Katz
Bryce Alan Katz

Somehow I'm just not comforted knowing that the women's restroom is just as nasty as the men's. **files this one under "Things I could live a full and happy life not knowing" and reaches for the brain bleach**

Achifaifa
Achifaifa

Thanks god you have never been in the gent's restrooms, they are WAY worse that that.

LBelgray
LBelgray

Oooooooh! Seat pee makes me so mad. Women are pigs. I'd always like to get my hands on Pee-slob Zero, the one who messes up the seat first so everyone else is afraid to sit. But you know what? When I squat, I make the bowl. Why is that so hard, and how do women pee all over the seat without peeing all over their pulled-down jeans? I'm with you, sista. This is a very important post.

Alex
Alex

Some men's rooms look like the aftermath of a performance art piece featuring chimps flinging poop.

Trackbacks

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by RedheadWriting, Laura Belgray, Shelly Gibbens, Jeff Gibbard, Arienne Holland and others. Arienne Holland said: Hate women who hover on public toilets? RT @RedheadWriting: The Bitch Slap: Ladies, Really? (rant on piss poor skills) http://t.co/K43uSR0 […]

  2. […] ranted about this before, but do you walk into the restroom in your house, piss all over the seat, not flush, and then wait […]

  3. […] ranted about this before, but do you walk into the restroom in your house, piss all over the seat, not flush, and then wait […]