The Bitch Slap: Ladies, Really?

bitch slap ladies peeing

I couldn’t find a picture of a girl with piss-poor aim

This past weekend, I went to a movie theatre in Santa Monica to take in a viewing of True Grit with my friend Tim. Upon arrival, I had to hit the ladies’ room. I walked in and began thepush door open

glance

WTF – next stall

routine until I found one fit to use.

Ladies – you’re getting bitch slapped.

Do you live in squalor in your own home? I find it hard to believe that any of you walk into your own bathrooms, pop a squat, piss all over the seat and then walk out without flushing. So since you don’t do this at home, why the FUCK do you think it’s acceptable to do it in public? I really think there should be a mandatory piss test when you go to get your drivers license.

It’s disgusting. Women’s restrooms worldwide look like bombed-out underground shelters and those of us who had a little too much green tea at sushi end up walking through them like we’re navigating a minefield. And then there’s the domino effect:

  • You’re a pee slob
  • You render the stall unusable
  • A bathroom with 8 stalls goes down to 6 on account of you and your cohorts

The line gets longer and I begin to feel that no matter where I am, I’m the oldest chick at a New Kids on the Block concert who’s been sipping too much Diet Pepsi.

I didn’t come over to your house and take a crap on your welcome mat, so quit using the world as your bathroom. And don’t give me the argument about all of the germs lingering in public restrooms. Curious about what you can really catch from a stop, drop, pee and roll in public? Check out this article from WebMD. We wander through life thinking that germs will kill us and run screaming from them at every opportunity, but in the meantime, your filthy bathroom behaviors make all of us want to puke.

Worried about what you’ll catch? Get a pee funnel. Get some hand sanitizer. Wash your fucking hands. But quit leaving the public restrooms of the world an ungodly mess for those of us who know that toilet seats are made for sitting on, no pissing on. And if you experience a moment of poor aim while you bust a hover move:

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!

You’ve been slapped. (Do guys deal with poor piss etiquette?)

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87 replies
  1. LBelgray
    LBelgray says:

    Oooooooh! Seat pee makes me so mad. Women are pigs. I’d always like to get my hands on Pee-slob Zero, the one who messes up the seat first so everyone else is afraid to sit. But you know what? When I squat, I make the bowl. Why is that so hard, and how do women pee all over the seat without peeing all over their pulled-down jeans? I’m with you, sista. This is a very important post.

    Reply
  2. Bryce Alan Katz
    Bryce Alan Katz says:

    Somehow I’m just not comforted knowing that the women’s restroom is just as nasty as the men’s.

    **files this one under “Things I could live a full and happy life not knowing” and reaches for the brain bleach**

    Reply
  3. Lady Disdain
    Lady Disdain says:

    For women who somehow think they are being sanitary by the squat-and-piss method, I wonder why they don’t feel that wiping the seat down from their splatter should be part of that method. Some girls need to watch Pay It Forward once more with feeling.

    Reply
  4. Shelly
    Shelly says:

    I could not agree more… History has shown women complaining about men leaving the seat up at home and then they have the gall to do that shit in public restrooms… I JUST DON’T GET IT either!! I’ll admit to the hover — but I ALWAYS take some TP and wipe up any splashes – and then (obviously a novel idea…) I WASH my hands 🙂

    Reply
  5. Kelly Tidd
    Kelly Tidd says:

    I clean the locker rooms at a yoga studio once a week and I can state for a fact that the women’s locker room is by far more disgusting than the men’s room. Frequently, the ladies don’t flush, they throw their paper towels on the ground, they get mouth wash all over the counter and leave the little cups all over the place. Cleaning the women’s locker room is an exercise in futility because I could have it spotless and in 3 minutes, a hoarde of women will come through and trash it again.

    Ladies, just because it’s not your home and you’re not responsible for picking it up, does not mean someone isn’t going to have to deal with your nasty mess. Have some respect for your fellow human beings and just try and be a little more tidy.

    Oh, and if you aren’t going to flush that tampon, wrap it up in toilet paper before throwing it in the trash can, for god’s sake. I have almost vomitted when emptying the trash and seeing that.

    Reply
  6. Lizzzarde
    Lizzzarde says:

    THANK YOU. This is on of my pet peeves. I get so sick of disgusting fucking public restrooms. Seriously ladies, if you are that worried about germs, line the toilet seat with toilet paper. If you insist on squatting, have the god damned decency to wipe your pee up!!! GRRRR. {and I’ll bet you women who do this bitch when the man in your life pees on the toilet seat at home, don’t you???}

    Reply
  7. Bradley
    Bradley says:

    And here I thought it was just men’s rooms. I am not sure some men even bother to go toward a toilet or urinal. As long as it is near the restroom… close enough.

    Reply
  8. Jim Littlewood
    Jim Littlewood says:

    Guys have the upper hand in in equipment when it comes to peeing in the up-right position, so a missed shot is rare (unless done on purpose). As for the other end of business, us outdoor types (male and female) have a bit of practice with the hover technique. As for the status of men’s rooms, all are subject to the douchebaggary of pee slobs.

    Reply
  9. The Redhead
    The Redhead says:

    Are you kidding me? I use the Men’s restrooms frequently when the line for the Ladies is too long. There’s never pee on the seat because the seat is terminally up! 🙂

    Reply
  10. Alysson
    Alysson says:

    Thus the reason do my level best to use public restrooms as infrequently as possible. I used to think men were pigs, but women seem to have seen how well being a pig works for men and have adopted the practice themselves.

    Which is both disconcerting and disappointing, as I always believed that women understood that if you make a mess, say…piss on the toilet seat, someone has to clean that up. And that cleaning up someone else’s piss isn’t on anyone’s to-do list when you find yourself doing a pee-pee dance in a bathroom stall. Inconsiderate assholes FTW! 🙁

    Reply
  11. Richard
    Richard says:

    Are you kidding do men have a problem with this? Walk in to a men’s bathroom and you better not have a shoe lace dragging or the bottoms of your pants touching the floor. It is like wading through a sea of pee. Not only at the urinals where they can easily hang over the ledge and not pee on the floor but in the stalls they spray everywhere. There is nothing I hate more than using a public restroom. This doesn’t even address the guy next to you at a urinal peeing on your shoes because he can’t shoot straight. Phew got that off my chest.

    Reply
  12. Melinda
    Melinda says:

    On a recent trip to China, I encountered squat toilets for the first time. By about 2 days into the trip, I had become a HUGE fan of them, at least in public restrooms… and this is precisely the reason.

    Think we could encourage Americans to adopt “new” hardware?

    Reply
    • Alysson
      Alysson says:

      Never gonna happen. You can’t introduce anything into this country that came from another country or culture anymore. Those who supported the squatters would immediately be labeled a socialist/communist/fascist and the whole thing would be spun as a conspiracy by the government – the latest, greatest threat to our freedom…to sit while relieving ourselves. 😉

      Reply
  13. ValleyWriter
    ValleyWriter says:

    You go girl! This drives me nuts. Even worse than movie theater/airport bathrooms is when it happens at work (I work in a private office). Really? You can’t even muster some respect for your coworkers?
    And how about “floaters”? It takes 2 seconds to check to make sure everything’s “all clear” – I’m sure you’re not in that much of a rush to get back to work!!

    Reply
  14. Grace Boyle
    Grace Boyle says:

    Guys definitely deal with piss poor etiquette but I’m not one, so I won’t speak for their gender (only heresay and pictures have proven to me).

    BUT seriously? Why are women’s stalls so gross. Maybe really, some women have disgusting bathrooms and really do pee all over the seat! Gross. On the floor too. Toilet paper around the seat. Just grossness. And I encounter it at many public restrooms. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to be clean but this is suuuch a true and great bitch slap!

    Reply
  15. CrazyBroadRants
    CrazyBroadRants says:

    Hilarious! And so in need of being said. One place I have found shockingly clean: service plazas along the Florida Turnpike. You’d think they’d be a horror show but they are kept pretty clean. So there is hope!

    Reply
  16. BibliophileGirl
    BibliophileGirl says:

    I’ll join the chorus and agree – this is one of my pet peeves. And to add to it – given the disgusting state of things, the non-hand-washing is equally disturbing. Whenever I see someone just flush, leave the stall and go straight out the door, all I can think of is that Windows Phone commercial where the guy picks up his phone he dropped in the urinal – REALLY!?

    Oh and another thing – GET OFF THE PHONE! YOU’RE IN THE BATHROOM!

    /end rant. 🙂

    Reply
  17. Charity Fowler
    Charity Fowler says:

    I have never understood this, and it seems to be an epidemic. Not only at the movie theaters and airports–but it happens in our very nice, cleaned twice a day, single stall bathroom at work. If there is any “public” restroom that it should be fine to sit in it’s that one! But there are people in the office who still manage to pee all over the seat, or leave it unflushed, or something equally disgusting.

    Who are these people who think this is okay? If you don’t want to sit on the seat–that’s what seatliners are for. If the seatliners are gone, use toilet paper. If you still think the evil germs can get you, then how hard is it to wipe up your own pee instead of expecting the next woman in line to do it?

    I will never, ever understand the mentality that says this behavior is okay.

    Reply
    • The Redhead
      The Redhead says:

      It’s not okay. It’s complete bullshit. I look at people all the time in my yoga studio bathroom and say, “Are you going to leave that on the floor? These people aren’t your maid.” Dipshits.

      Reply
  18. Penemuel
    Penemuel says:

    Yes! I’ve run into the same problem in our bathroom at work, which is NOT public and requires a key card to get in! Honestly, what on earth do these people do at home? WHY do they not clean the seat? And good gods, WHY do they not wash their hands?! It’s disgusting! The only thing I’ll excuse is the possibility of not everything flushing, because we have automatic flush toilets and a couple of them are a little hyperactive and flush during, but not always after. O_o

    Reply
  19. Erin
    Erin says:

    This is so very true, but people in general are guilty of being thoughtless and impolite when they’re not in their own house and don’t have to clean up.

    I worked for a janitorial company for a couple of years, and the things people put in their trash can (rather than dump out in the sink; like an entire cup full of coffee from Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks which smells nasty at the end of a work day) is just disgusting.

    People also seem to take no care in not dropping food all over the place on their table and on the floor in restaurants.

    This is aimed at a much more pressing, vile subject, though. I just know that people in general are slobs if they don’t have to deal with the mess. It’s a depressing fact of life.

    Reply
  20. Karen Bice
    Karen Bice says:

    Erika, on behalf of all females, I thank you. What is just as annoying, and hypocritical, are the women who leave their paper toilet seat covers where they left them for the next female in line to find. I also think some of these women do live like this in their own homes and assume everyone else has the same unsanitary habits they do.

    Reply
  21. Matt Given
    Matt Given says:

    Erika – This is Matt’s wife guest commenting for Matt. I have 4 adolescent boys in my house (Matt plus 3 jockstrap sons). And our bathroom and sometimes our entire house smells like a urinal. These boys can’t aim for shit. We are building a new house in Eldorado Springs and I am turning the detached garage into a full on locker room for these neanderthals.

    Whew – Thanks, I feel better. It’s smart to carry handi-wipes everywhere…

    Reply
  22. Crolling66
    Crolling66 says:

    I have to take my daughters (shes 5) word for it but she will not go in a womens restroom because they are usually “disgustingly gross”. She will march in a mens room and find a stall and usually comment about how much cleaner they are then the girls. what they hell do these women/girls do in there????

    Reply
  23. MicahDL
    MicahDL says:

    I fucking hate when this happens. And why does it seem to happen primarily in movie theatre bathrooms? Seriously. I want to punch these women in the clam.

    Reply
  24. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    In mens room you will see bad aim but since you don’t sit its not so bad. Still gross though. What you do see is dudes taking these gorilla shits and not flushing properly. That really peeves me.

    Reply
  25. Amanda Morris Johnson
    Amanda Morris Johnson says:

    My first job ever was cleaning restaurant bathrooms at a pizzeria in Cherry Creek. Ewe, ick. The women’s bathroom is by far worse. What are they trying to flush for God’s sake? I got used to simply pouring bleach all over everything before even starting. I can’t smell anything. Do you think that could be the reason?

    Reply
  26. MichaelEdits.com
    MichaelEdits.com says:

    Any veteran of the restaurant business can tell you that the ladies’ rest rooms are always worse. I first became a toilet cleaner in 1979, for $2.65 an hour, and the ladies liked to wet wadded toilet paper and fling it at the ceiling. I choose not to think about what they were wetting it with. Maybe that’s how the ladies cope with being so much more civilized than guys the rest of the time.

    Reply
  27. Kristel Hayes
    Kristel Hayes says:

    Thank you…seriously…thank you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ranted about this, and to the face of friends who are actually GUILTY as charged. I think your rant is probably much more eloquent than mine, so I’ve made it a point to share.

    Reply
  28. Martintag
    Martintag says:

    Yep, we have a set of rules to live by…more like a code.; “Don’t piss on the seat, and if yer drunk, use the tissue and clean up, cuz the next damp surprise might be on you.”

    Reply
  29. Chris Gregoire
    Chris Gregoire says:

    You know what cracks me up the most? You “Hover people” that get it on the floor. Your shoes are more covered in piss because of it. If people sat down, more would end up in the bowl, and then you wouldn’t track through it, and carry those germs home with you. Your hovering spreads more germs to your home. Which makes a little part of me smile inside.

    Reply
  30. Danny Brown
    Danny Brown says:

    It’s actually a ploy by us guys to make you ladies look bad. We have a team of secret Piss Ninjas that make our way into ladies toilets, whazz our wizz all over the place, then leave.

    Seems to be working. 😉

    Reply
  31. Lesley
    Lesley says:

    THANK YOU! I freaking HATE it when see pee on the seat, let alone when my mind is somewhere else and I accidentally SIT in it. That is gross beyond GROSS. A few weeks ago I walked into the restroom at my office and Every Single Toilet had pee all over the seat.

    Seriously, if you’re s squatter, go ahead and use one of the toilets that already has pee all over it. Don’t go to a clean one and ruin it, too.

    Reply
  32. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    I’m with you! I wipe down every seat before and after because my momma didn’t raise no pee slob. Boggles the mind. And every time I hear someone leave the restroom w/o hearing any water run, I want to hurl. Especially when I know what they did in the stall just seconds before. (What’s more disgusting, no hand washing after #2 or changing a tampon? I mean WTF?)

    My husband’s just as bad as I am, believe it or not. He always comes out of the men’s room with the paper towel he dried his hands with still crumpled in his hand because he uses it to open the door on the way out. People are disgusting pigs.

    Reply
  33. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    OMG!!! THANK YOU! Yes! I hate this. Why can’t women pee correctly?? We bitch about men and their pee-ing habits when we’re worse. At least they have a pee-ing apparatus that can aim. We? We have to make do with shower heads!

    Wipe and flush ladiess!!

    Reply
  34. Liz Jaeger
    Liz Jaeger says:

    Kelly…ahem…broke the seal when mentioning the wrapping of the tampons but I must not close this post without bringing up the evidence left on the rim from when you removed said tampon…. Or even better, those who do all of the business, drop it on the top of the trash can, and leave it ALL over the commode, seat and not flush.  Seriously, how disgusting of a human being are you that you know you’ve done that and you simply walk away??!!

    This happens at my workplace ladies’ room all of the time. It turns my stomach and, when I bring it up to the few women in my company, they all agree that it’s gross, but none of us knows who it is…how is THAT possible??

    And my other rant was the time I went into the ladies room at my job (this is an executive office building in NYC, not Starbucks or a restroom shared with the whole building. A restroom that was shared by 3 companies with an approximate total of 20 women) and someone had dumped an entire can of soda across the counter where all of the sinks are! It isn’t like this person didn’t have any access to water and paper towels….I was appalled.

    Thank you for creating the post I’ve always wanted to write. I’ve said it before, your writing is awesome.

    Reply
  35. Sunrunner Lass
    Sunrunner Lass says:

    I might have missed it, but I haven’t seen anyone talking about hover poopers.  OMG, they’re taking over the ladies’ restroom in this damn place.  And the ones who leave floaters and nuggets behind.  I’ve left many a note taped to the mirror, but it just seems to enrage the mad shitters even more.  Nasty, nasty “women” here…

    Reply

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