The Bitch Slap: What’s YOUR Excuse?

Image via Candescent’s photostream on Flickr/Creative Commons

I haven’t really been to yoga or ridden my bike in about two weeks. After a year of being balls to the wall and knee-deep in a training program designed to change my slow-moving athlete ways into something more akin to Speedy Gonzales on coke, I’m a tad burnt out. I need to recharge. So I sit down and think about shit. Shit like…excuses.I know full well why my ass sleeps in every morning for the past two weeks. But why are YOU sitting there? And why do I have a to-do list filled with tasks I just can’t seen to find time to do, but I can screw around and laugh at ridiculous, NSFW comics and walk around the house with Small Dog on my head, amusing myself by saying, “You’re a hat! I have a Small Dog hat!” (Shut up – it’s my dog. I can wear her as a hat if I please.)

Excuses. Little bitches, each and every one of them. And last night, I finally figured out exactly what excuses are:

They’re ways we tell ourselves that WE’RE not worth our own attention.

I really should put some money away for vacation.

I need to go in for my annual physical.

I really oughta get the yard cleaned up for winter.

I should call Mom.

I need to get these bills paid off.

Every one of those things that lingers on our to-do lists is a little “fuck you” we give ourselves. Do we enjoy disrespecting ourselves? Do we get off on it? Is Babeland going to go out of business because we’ve found a way to get our jollies by dicking ourselves around every day?

It’s a collective Bitch Slap today – stop dicking yourself around.

It’s time to get creative. Need more money? Figure out a way to make some. MAKE money. They key differentiator between the wealthy and the day-to-day working is that they’re creative. They understand that they’re not entitled to anything and they take responsibility for every action done or left undone. Hit a wall? Build a ladder. Lose money? Make more somewhere else. Want a new car? Find a way to acquire one using your existing assets or by accumulating new assets to create income  – not by adding another liability.

It’s time we stopped rewarding ourselves for everything and started looking at achievement as something of which we should be proud. Screw this “everybody gets a trophy” culture we’ve created. What have YOU done today that deserves a fucking trophy? It’s 7:05am here in Redheadville and I’ll tell ya – making coffee and feeding the dogs doesn’t warrant me anything except two ticks in boxes on my “mundane” list. Stop making excuses and start doing.

When things don’t go the way we plan, stop blaming. It’s not your boss’ fault. It’s not the economy’s fault. Start asking yourself, “Balls! What can I be doing differently!?” If you’re unhappy with the grind, get creative and find a way to change your grind. Don’t have enough dough to take a vacation? You’re the only one to blame for that. Got a to-do list that’s longer than the dick Glenn Beck thinks he’s got? START DOING THINGS!

Excuses become a way of life. Everything is someone or something else’s fault. We’re in a crumbling economy because too many people decided to live outside their means. It’s that simple. Why don’t we start taking care of our own shizzle and start owning the progress we make, however incremental, each and every day? And here’s the box of unicorns in all this:

Every day has incremental progress. It’s just hard to see it when your head is up your ass.

If you fuck up – that’s progress. You never have to fuck up that way again. Lose money? Awesome. Tomorrow, you can get creative and find new ways to earn more. Unicorns, I say. There’s unicorns in them thar excuse-filled hills, kids. Saddle-up one of those bitches and ride, ride, ride.

So what’s your answer? What excuses are YOU bringing to the table today – and more importantly, are you rewarding yourself for them? Quit spending your intellectual currency on inconsequential trophies and start thinking about progress and how you can never…ever…blame anyone else for anything EVER again. Granted, you can blame the cat for puking on your new rug and the dog for chewing your brand new shoes, but today, it’s time to grow a pair.

Grow ’em, grab on to them and stand akimbo in front of life and say, “C’mon – I dare ya to kick me, bitch!”

Stop disrespecting yourself with excuses. Own your balls. Saddle-up the unicorn. And when life decides to kick you full-on, ask what you can do to build a better cup.

You’ve been slapped. (And so have I.)

PS: You still have time to vote for The Redhead in Westword’s 2010 Best of the Web Awards should you feel so inclined! Mkaythxandbai…

85 comments
Kathleen Scanlon Esq
Kathleen Scanlon Esq

HOLY SHIT THANK YOU!!! I just read this post to my husband who was recently laid off and, despite the colorful language, I am going to have my 10 year old lazy-ass son read it as well. I am also going to print it out and post it where I can see it every day - it will inspire me every day to pull myself away from that God-awful to-do list of crap I build for myself. I CONSIDER MYSELF SLAPPED!!!!!

Bill Hibbler
Bill Hibbler

So I read your guest post on Copyblogger and then clicked on the resource box to check out your blog. Wtf? A bitch slap? Pet hat? The real reason for the crumbling economy? (Yeah, banks got greedy but it's not the f@#king banks fault we borrowed more than we could afford to pay back). Enjoyed the post, Erika. Like the originality of the design and that you're not afraid to be yourself.

Kath
Kath

Some might PAY for a pic of you with a small dog hat. There's a way to make more $$! Kickass post, my dear! <3 it, <3 you! Only thing better than growing a pair of balls? Growing a pair of ovaries. My 2 shekels :-)

Shelly
Shelly

I have no excuse... I blame nobody else... I know I'm lazy... I know what my problems are... I just need to get off my ass and fix the shit... Easier said than done... but I WILL do it. Once again thanks for the bitch slap... I so enjoy them :)

Rebecca gillis
Rebecca gillis

Wow! Thank you! I needed that. I'm a first time (but surely not LAST TIME) visitor of your blog and I'm officially hooked. Thank you for saying what we are all thinking. :)

Ally
Ally

I so heart this post! A better cup, indeed! And I did get quite the chuckle out of your small dog as a hat... :-)

Sandra
Sandra

I agree. I love your style, and I love that you not only take accountability for your actions, but you are making us (me) do it also...I really need to get my ass on the pavement and run, and tomorrow I will (if I can't come up with an excuse not to! :P Your voice is terrific! I'm off to vote for you, I'm pretty sure all your posts are this inspiring...and you say "fuck"...so ya, I'm easy like that.

Bryanb
Bryanb

Wow. That bitch slap stretched all the way down to Mauritius. Wow again. Awesome post.

Suzanne Vara
Suzanne Vara

Erika Holy crap, girl I felt this bitch slap all the way from colorado to vegas. Owch, it hurt really bad but it got my ass in gear just reading it. We create excuses b/c it is easier to go with that flow than it is to put our necks out there and say that we did something and maybe failed. What the hell are we afraid of a few hickeys? We have to make it happen as when we are happily making excuses, someone else is taking action and we missed out. Now I will feel as if you are looking at me if I make an excuse as you slapped yourself. Leave it to you to never do something to us that you would not do to yourself. You totally rock, in case I have not told you lately. Time to go and vote for you. @SuzanneVara

PostDivorceCoach
PostDivorceCoach

Having had a very hard work out this morning, I can't reach my face with my hand to bitch slap myself. I deserve a trophy...I got up got kids to school worked out and worked on twitter followers for my coaching deal. Oh and started up an old business purely by accident. Yeah..a big trophy. Just don't make me pick it up, ok?

Yankee Girl
Yankee Girl

Got a to-do list that’s longer than the dick Glenn Beck thinks he’s got---loved that line. Anyway. Thank you so much for the bitch slap! It was much needed. Now I have to go DO WORK!

Jim Raffel
Jim Raffel

Erika, You already know I love you to death but I just gained so much respect for you because you have guts to bitch slap yourself. -Jim PS - I may or may not sometimes wear a cat on my head as a hat ;)

Timstich
Timstich

Nice installment in the cannon there. No, not "canon." The spelling is OK. ;-)

PJ Mullen
PJ Mullen

Speedy Gonzales on coke? I'm not sure I want to see that. Sounds like you too are a disciple of the Dr. Denis Leary "shut the fuck up, next" school of thinking. I recently told myself the shut the fuck up and do something I've been meaning to do for a while and I feel so much better about myself :)

Greg Smith MD
Greg Smith MD

Erika, Great post. Well said. Right on target for all of us today. I am in this exact place in my professional life. I'm taking a good hard look at expenses, income, shifting gears in my work life (started an awesome new telemedicine job in February that is nothing like I've ever done before), and seeing things not as I wish they were, but as they are. It's very hard, but it's remarkably freeing. Thanks as always for your excellent posts. This is the only time I've ever been slapped by a woman, and I may come back and let you do it again. Greg

Alex
Alex

Well excuuuuuuuuuse me! Oh wait. That's not the excuse you meant.

Amy Oscar
Amy Oscar

Oh, how I love you. Somehow, getting slapped by you is the most inspiring thing that's happened to me all day. Lacing up the gym shoes. xxoo

Lisa May Huby
Lisa May Huby

Oh man, I heart you in a sisterly*hugz*-slap-my-ass-and-call-me-Myrna sort of way. Now that I've gained control of myself after picturing you wearing your Small Dog hat (thought I was the only one who did that shit - only mine's a parrot, not a dog. Better fit): ENJOY being lazy...for a little while. THANK YOU for the no-more-trophies-for-everyone comment. I mean, what the hell are we teaching our kids this 'everyone wins' shit for? Reality check folks: Life's tough, sometimes it sucks, and no, not everyone wins. Now, off to find my unicorn. L8tr

Andrew J. Gay
Andrew J. Gay

BTW, just a tip for all the unicorn Cowboys and Cowgirls: Don't play leapfrog with a Unicorn... that shit hurts! Always jump on from the rear, less risky.

Kwright
Kwright

Woo hoo - thanks for the perfectly timed, perfectly calibrated slap. I needed that. Gotta go - must saddle up the unicorn. Nice one, Redhead.

Fastskiguy
Fastskiguy

But...when I read your column is sounds *just like* Glenn Beck, minus the religion....like two peas in a libertarian pod. Thanks for the great blog :)

DebDobson
DebDobson

Okay, I simply need to say...well, I love this post.

mary
mary

This is SO true. I tell my daughter: Every big and small thing you do and say ends up adding up to who you become! Now if only my kind of small dog would fit on my head.

Andrew J. Gay
Andrew J. Gay

Damn Erika, WTF... you getting lazy now? lol I can definitely relate to this post in many ways, not in the lazy hasn't been going to the gym ways, because I have been up every morning at 6 a.m. and heading to the gym. Oh, and I don't drive to the gym, I use my feet and actually go up hill both ways...lol (no really). But with other stuff, I could do more. It's easy to put shit off until later. Especially when nobody is going to bitch at you for it. If you're self employed and can work any time, anywhere you tend to draw lines in more of a curvy fashion. One of the best things I have done lately is to try and straighten the lines. I no longer find myself working until 3, 4, even 5 am. It's when things get harder that you can really decide to dig your heels in and change things, sometimes other things. Things you didn't necessarily put a lot of focus on before. This all becomes easier as soon as we DECIDE we want something bad enough. Until then, like the old saying goes; "Excuses are like assholes, everybody's got one". Nobody is going to do it for you, nobody is going to give you anything, you don't deserve what you aren't willing to go get and nothing worth having is easy to get. Thanks for the tough love today Red! This is the shit everyone should be writing about nowadays. Tough love, straight talk and reality. You can't just think you deserve something and expect to get it, you gotta DO something first. You rock Erika! P.S. Now get off your lazy ass and hit the gym already! ;-)

DaDa Rocks!
DaDa Rocks!

After reading this post - I'd like to ask for my balls back please :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Crazy huh? Welcome to our kickass little community over here. And myself? Hell - it's all I've got. No censor buttons, fire the torpedos. Hope you'll stick around!

The Redhead
The Redhead

Oh yeah...you're easy? We heard that about you :) (welcome to The Dark Side)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Glad you liked the sting, Bryan - but tell me: where the blazes is Mauritius? (I know I could Google this, but I'd rather hear it from you...)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Thanks for the vote, m'dear - and yeah, I slap myself often. Come to think of it, I slapped myself first thing this morning. Ahhhh...coffee and a slap :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

People seem to be likin' that one :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Finally! Someone els with a pet hat! *whew* I slap myself each and every day and there's not a Bitch Slap on here that's not borne from a frustration I've had personally - even when directed at others :) Great to see you, Jim!

The Redhead
The Redhead

All I can think about now is "Shut the fuck up, Donnie."

The Redhead
The Redhead

Greg - great to see you. And remember: it's not who DOES the slapping. It's what you do with the sting ;-)

The Redhead
The Redhead

You go, girl! I'll be over here on the couch, working on my balance sheet :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

I don't think your parrot hat would like my dog hat. Just sayin'. (thanks for stopping by today, Lisa!)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Thanks for stopping by and glad to help!

The Redhead
The Redhead

It's my pleasure, Deb. Great to see you!

The Redhead
The Redhead

If my small dog pees in the kitchen again when the back door is wide open, it's possible she may be up for loan.

The Redhead
The Redhead

I'm enjoying my rest weeks :) I'll be back at it soon enough!

The Redhead
The Redhead

Did you give them away? GO GET THEM!

DaDa Rocks!
DaDa Rocks!

no but I feel like I got kicked in the nuts to go and do shit! lol

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Grant Griffiths, Sarah Whinnem, Gloria Bell , Liz Scherer, robert banh and others. robert banh said: RT @MadysonDesigns: What's YOUR Excuse? via @RedheadWriting http://bit.ly/aX45ol *Just what I needed today! […]