Through the Cracks

through the cracks awesomeapottamus

Not an *actual* Awesomeapottamus

We’ve had the most incredible full moon as of late. Silver pours from the night sky and, I must admit, I like it even a bit better when it’s still there waiting for me at 7 A.M. the next morning. Like it couldn’t get enough of the nighttime that it has to bogart a little from the daytime to feel fulfilled.

A day or so ago, someone mentioned my post Access to me. Just over three months old now, it was a post borne from heartbreak (and in some very unexpected ways). And under last night’s full moon, I simply thought…

isn’t it curious what slips through the cracks when your heart breaks?

It takes a lot of energy to keep a heart from breaking – whether you’re driving a business or relationship forward. Shit. It’s exhausting trying to hold an egg shell together with an iron fist. And when it’s exhausting, we look back later (after the carnage) and realize that all that energy we spent trying to prevent heartbreak could have been better spent elsewhere. And there’s much that got neglected.

Hearts break. Lovers, friends, family, pets, jobs…we lose them. Things don’t turn out the way we planned. One of my cycling coaches has an adage that if cycling were easy, it would be called “beer.” If heartbreak was easy, I’m figuring it wouldn’t have “break” as part of the word.

But how often do we look at what seeps through the cracks of a broken heart?

In a mere three months, I’ve managed to put myself and my business first. Dropped a pound or two. Moved my ass in every sense of the word. I’ve fallen in love with me again and am in the process of seeing multiple mind-blowing things come to fruition. I’ve booked the trip of a lifetime. I’ve saved money, made plans.

And all of this…just slipped through the cracks of a broken heart.

When we’re so close to something that’s gone awry, we can’t help it but to get caught up in the fact that my fucking shell just c-r-a-c-k-e-d.  Somehow, we’ve got the energy to go out and buy party hats and beer for our own little pity party, but we don’t have the energy to sit down and deal. We’re more content to shove nomnoms and self-deprecating comments down our throats than get off the couch and start living again. The sucker punch hurts. Sometimes we punch ourselves. Either way, the shell is straight fucked and if we’re not going to cowboy the hell up to pick up the pieces, who is?

I looked at my broken shell this week. Funny – it’s not so broken. A little spit, duct tape and “fuck this” put it back together. But I’m really glad for what seeped through the cracks. I see every broken heart I’ve ever had as a gift. It’s like a herd of pet Awesomeapottamuses (a mythical creature I created yesterday on Twitter). They subsist on a diet of  love and dreams and in the environment you least expected.

19 comments
The Redhead
The Redhead

I'm headed off to Asia for a 700-mile cycling trip across Vietnam and Laos in February. Can't WAIT!

Andrew J. Gay
Andrew J. Gay

Erika, Each time I visit your part of the web it is truly an intoxicating experience. Your ability to draw the reader in is amazing to say the least. I always feel like I can be a part of each and every experience you share here. This is my first comment here so bare with me, I have a lot to say (guilty of blog voyeurism)... I was immediately enamored by your style; smart, witty, raw and full of fire (a true redhead). The body count made me almost fall out of my chair laughing (I can relate) and your "Favorite Word in the English Language (besides “fuck”)" gave me the final push to the floor. I couldn't help but think "this is the girl version of me!" so I kept reading. Until now... The "bitch slaps" were painfully amusing and the "porn" was totally hot, definitely a great change of pace from all the "biz" blogs I read daily. Until today I had not read "Access", an amazing take on love and heartbreak. I figured it was time I say something. "get off the couch and start living again" - I think this is harder depending on how much "access" you gave. Some lose so much "self" through granting access that they don't remember how to live again... by themselves. Either way, I completely agree, and emphasize the word "living" vs. moving on. Thanks so much for sharing your view and offering me a bit of a different perspective on love and living. I too have always been a hopeless romantic, and (unfortunately) I've lost some of that with each broken heart... Or have I? After reading this I couldn't help but think, after something breaks and mends, it's the shell that shows the scars, and scars are tougher than what was there before. Each time "the shell is straight fucked" we mend it by living with and loving ourselves more. Each time making it harder for us to grant access, more careful with whom we take risks. Thanks for reminding me that it's just my shell that's gotten so damn hard and not the whole thing. Andrew

The Redhead
The Redhead

Comments like these are why I write. I have nothing to add :)

Ordinary Traveler
Ordinary Traveler

I just recently found your site and I have to say, I love your uncensored writing style. I'll definitely be looking forward to more of your posts in my inbox. :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Why, thank you :) I'm glad you're here and welcome!

Cherry Woodburn
Cherry Woodburn

Sue Bender author of the book Everyday Sacred, A Woman's journey home wrote: I saw a strikingly handsome Japanese tea bowl that had been broken and pieced together. The image of that bowl made a lasting impression. Instead of trying to hide the flaws, the cracks were emphasized - filled with silver. The bowl was ever more precious after it had been mended.

DebDobson
DebDobson

Yeah, okay...so, I'm subscribed to your blog here because I so love your writings and your take on life. Amazing what happens to show up in your email inbox when you most need it. Going through pain of the heart right at those moment. Yep...trying to keep from breaking the eggshell with a clenched fist. Doesn't work, does it. So, in the process of finding the duct tape, getting some spit and some of the "fuck this" mindframe together. Thank you. Needed this post, and needed it today. Don't ever stop writing. Love this blog. And so pleased you will be doing a great trip of a lifetime.

The Redhead
The Redhead

Deb, it's always great to see you here. I'm glad my life and yours have aligned and tha you're finding this a soft place to land :) Hugs to you! -----Original message-----

Sandi
Sandi

I have an editor's crush on your writing, Erika. You transported me right into your heart. Beautifully written. I also call that process of getting back into life as putting on my big-girl panties. :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Thanks, Sandi. That's a wonderful compliment :) -----Original message-----

The Redhead
The Redhead

You are most CERTAINLY welcome! (I also like wood glue, baby wipes and shovels as "must have" tools.)

Mike Masin
Mike Masin

We grow with life and sometimes our shell takes a beating. Cracks in our shell are expansion joints. Our inner strength is the caulk that seals those cracks and leaves them flexible so they can deal with the next heartquake.

The Redhead
The Redhead

Love this...thanks, Mike! "heartquake" *swoon*

Jmchorse
Jmchorse

Even more useful than duct tape, a heaping application of FUCK THIS! Always in for a smile on this website.

Robert Slaughter
Robert Slaughter

You said: "I’ve fallen in love with me again". Unless we can love ourselves, no one else will find us truly lovable. They may be attracted to us initially, but they can't see what will keep them there unless we let it shine. And we can't do that if we don't acknowledge ourselves.

Killian
Killian

Very true. Since I got my heart shattered a few years ago, I've dropped some weight and some baggage, learned to vlaue and prioritize myself a bit more, and have made some interesting discoveries about myself when it comes to love and relationships. If I may be so nosy (and if not, just tell me to stfu), where is your trip of a lifetime? Mine is planned for next July when I turn 40. Instead of being one of those women who whines and bitches about life being over, I decided to take a week and go explore Morocco. I cannot wait to get there! Best wishes on your journey (metaphorical and actual).

The Redhead
The Redhead

BLAST! I forgot to link to it. I'm cycling 700 miles across Indochine (Vietnam & Laos) for most of February next year. 22 days :)

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