Why I’m Google’s Bitch

Yes, Google! May I have another!?

Here’s the truth folks: Google beats me and I like it. I also occasionally take some fair swatting  from Yahoo! and MSN, less often from Alta Vista (but their spankings feel super niiiiiiice). Frankly, now that I think of it, I make a living out of spending my 8-to-5 bent over on some desk or another. And it’s all for my clients’ benefit.

Much akin to being in an abusive relationship, I’ve engaged with the hot quarterback from high school in a small rural town. His dad owns a farm, his cousins are known for their cow-tipping antics. Did I mention his dad owns a farm? Well, it’s not just a farm. It’s the biggest farm in the county. He also owns the land where the co-op grain silo stands. And the trucking company that hauls the grain from each of the farms to the silo each harvest. I think dad also owns the police department. Huh. Quite frankly, his dad owns everything. (I’m not even going to mention how creepy it is that Hot Quarterback calls him “Daddy.”)

So, I decided to make a life with Mr. Hot Quarterback and become Mrs. Hot Quarterback. I love him, see. He makes me swoon whenever he plants one of those burly kisses on my cheek and smacks me playfully on the ass while I’m cookin’ up somethin’ in the kitchen. I went to work for his daddy’s (ugh) company as a little computer gal so I could help out the family-n-all.

(read: Erika opted for a career as an SEO copywriter because she loves the challenge and constant problem solving involved with her day-to-day routine.)

Google smacks me on the ass a lot.

If you’re an SEO professional out there, it’s pretty likely that you’re getting smacked just as frequently as I am. Only difference is that I might look better bent over a desk than you do.

For the sake of my clients, I’m constantly embroiled in the ongoing discussion of the “Google algorithms” and how search engines determine your page ranking. Why does some piece of shit website with an ungodly amount of content beyond distillation rank a bloody 6 and an easy-to-navigate, user-friendly, well-traveled site earn a paltry 3? For fuck sake, Google. Help me out.

You told me to build backlinks. I complied.

You told me content was king. I wrote.

You told me you like keyword-rich anchor text. I stapled that shit down with some bomber keywords.

You told me blogs were good. I am a serious blogging mo-fo.

Like the wife of Mr. Hot Quarterback who’s daddy owns everything in town, I feel some days that I get smacked too much.  Google told me what my chores were – and I did them! Google keeps me on a short leash, issuing the almighty smack-down for black-hat practices and serious search engine nastiness. For the love of all that’s clickable, there are only so many blessed directories that you can list a site on.

But you keep changing the game, Google.

Your algorithms are like Mr. Hot Quarterback’s daddy – you own everything in town so I can’t go to the po-lice.

If I cross the county line into Yahoo!ville or MSNville, I’m going to get less traffic than your behemoth community can send me.

So I spend my days explaining to my friends at the beauty parlor why we had that argument at the Cracker Barrel on Sunday. *sigh*

But y’know? I love him. That hot quarterback of mine who’s put on 50 lbs. since we got married (he says it’s muscle)…he’s the love of my life. He’s introduced me to everyone wonderful in this little/big town we live in and I meet someone new every day. When he smacks me on the ass in the kitchen, I can’t help it but to giggle and blush a little bit.

Google – you can smack me anytime. I’m completely your bitch. All I ask is that, if I play by the rules and I play well, allow me a victory every now and then. And admittedly – you have. But as an SEO professional, I can’t really take my clients anywhere else (and you know that). I want them to be safe in your hands. So instead of giving me a smack-down when you change your algorithms, why don’t you put on that unassuming little polo rig like the guy in the picture above? I’ll put on some fishnets. Some pearls. We’ll have a party –  big, wicked search engine party and I’ll get excited when you double-click my mouse. Go ahead – put “naughty” in the search box. We’ll see what pops up in the results.

50 comments
mary
mary

I only wish I were technically smart enough to understand how to use Google (or, in other words, be their bitch!!) I read your blog hoping to learn. (about Google not being a bitch...or wait, that too! )

Wookies Girl
Wookies Girl

I LOVE LOVE LOVE You Chica!! Awesome funny and very informative post!

MiddleAgedWomanBlogging
MiddleAgedWomanBlogging

You had me at Bitch! From one redhead to another, "I feel ya!" And "Cow-tipping" is my middle name! I am Google's Whore! And I bow to Steve Jobs and his African Safari! Hit me! Beat me! Just don't mess with my face! This face-lift cost too damned much! I put Oprah and Michael Jackson on one of my posts and the shit hit the fan! Try that... they'll come swarming to your party! Great blog! You are now one of my faves!

MiddleAgedWomanBlogging
MiddleAgedWomanBlogging

You had me at Bitch! From one redhead to another, "I feel ya!" And "Cow-tipping" is my middle name! I am Google's Whore! And I bow to Steve Jobs and his African Safari! Hit me! Beat me! Just don't mess with my face! This face-lift cost too damned much! I put Oprah and Michael Jackson on one of my posts and the shit hit the fan! Try that... they'll come swarming to your party! Great blog! You are now one of my faves!

organicsyes
organicsyes

Love this post...gifted...you are truly gifted, and it is time Google saw that and gave you a bit of respect that you deserve!

organicsyes
organicsyes

Love this post...gifted...you are truly gifted, and it is time Google saw that and gave you a bit of respect that you deserve!

Derec Shuler
Derec Shuler

Erika, LOVE the post!! Great imagery and funny. I've never looked at blog content like that before, I'll have to reconsider....

Derec Shuler
Derec Shuler

Erika, LOVE the post!! Great imagery and funny. I've never looked at blog content like that before, I'll have to reconsider....

Michael
Michael

Red, you make SEO SEXy. My first copy job? Editing Hustler Letters. Best. Job. Ever. No joke. Anyway, on my first day, my supervisor said "Mike, very quickly, these letters will cease to arouse you. So, here's the deal. We'll need 10 or so for every issue. Try to mix it up a bit. BUT, if something, for some reason, turns you on, include it. Include it." At the time, they paid something like $100 per "real life story." Might be a nice little income for you. ;)

Michael
Michael

Red, you make SEO SEXy. My first copy job? Editing Hustler Letters. Best. Job. Ever. No joke. Anyway, on my first day, my supervisor said "Mike, very quickly, these letters will cease to arouse you. So, here's the deal. We'll need 10 or so for every issue. Try to mix it up a bit. BUT, if something, for some reason, turns you on, include it. Include it." At the time, they paid something like $100 per "real life story." Might be a nice little income for you. ;)

joenkobema
joenkobema

This was an awesome read! Aren't we all on the corner wearin' short skirts makin' paper for Google. Google's a pimp! Think about it! Google has all those fly colors (Pimps are KNOWN for their flashy hued clothing). Think about it!

joenkobema
joenkobema

This was an awesome read! Aren't we all on the corner wearin' short skirts makin' paper for Google. Google's a pimp! Think about it! Google has all those fly colors (Pimps are KNOWN for their flashy hued clothing). Think about it!

Jason Pedley
Jason Pedley

"Google - you can smack me anytime. I’m completely your bitch. All I ask is that, if I play by the rules and I play well, allow me a victory every now and them. And admittedly - you have." Change the word "Google" to "Mr. Soprano" and it all makes sense to me.

Jason Pedley
Jason Pedley

"Google - you can smack me anytime. I’m completely your bitch. All I ask is that, if I play by the rules and I play well, allow me a victory every now and them. And admittedly - you have." Change the word "Google" to "Mr. Soprano" and it all makes sense to me.

Arif Gangji
Arif Gangji

Hilarious...Since I've never met you before, it was hard to visualize various descriptions. When I meet you at the denvertweetup next week, if I start to laugh, you'll know why :) It all just came together. Nice job....

Arif Gangji
Arif Gangji

Hilarious...Since I've never met you before, it was hard to visualize various descriptions. When I meet you at the denvertweetup next week, if I start to laugh, you'll know why :) It all just came together. Nice job....

redheadwriting
redheadwriting

Meghan does NOT like smacks from Mr. Vertical Response, tho :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Meghan does NOT like smacks from Mr. Vertical Response, tho :)

Meghan Udell
Meghan Udell

I love cracker in a barrel. Love me some biscuits and gravy, oh and I love me a little smack from Master Google.

Meghan Udell
Meghan Udell

I love cracker in a barrel. Love me some biscuits and gravy, oh and I love me a little smack from Master Google.

redheadwriting
redheadwriting

Axel - feel free to drop me a line. I'll connect with you on Facebook as well. Thanks for the read and the comment!

The Redhead
The Redhead

Axel - feel free to drop me a line. I'll connect with you on Facebook as well. Thanks for the read and the comment!

redheadwriting
redheadwriting

@Ari Herzog - you are entirely correct regarding WordPress! Readers will see my blog on it's own domain beginning February 1! You speak the truth, wise one! Erika/The Redhead

The Redhead
The Redhead

@Ari Herzog - you are entirely correct regarding WordPress! Readers will see my blog on it's own domain beginning February 1! You speak the truth, wise one! Erika/The Redhead

Loumacuser
Loumacuser

Loved the analogy of the desk. Nicely written. Thanks for the link

Loumacuser
Loumacuser

Loved the analogy of the desk. Nicely written. Thanks for the link

Axel
Axel

I'd love to rework the text of this site http://www.ceaseadvertising.com probably need to hire somebody like you. What a great blog post. I'm sure this will hit some records.

Axel
Axel

I'd love to rework the text of this site http://www.ceaseadvertising.com probably need to hire somebody like you. What a great blog post. I'm sure this will hit some records.

Ari Herzog
Ari Herzog

Heh. I'd argue you're not only Google's bitch but you're a Wordpress whore, too. See, you go on about titillating rank but when your blog is hosted on wordpress.com, that's the Wordpress rank, not yours. Not really. The code is theirs. So when you feel that ass slap, it's in the shape of a big W. I suggest if you invest in some of that Google juice and pour the cream of it over Wordpress. You heard me. Buy a domain. Maybe it's seocopywritingreadhead.com. Maybe it's redheadwriting.com. Whatever. And either 301 redirect the domain to your wordpress.com, or spend the money for a pimp and get a wordpress.org. Dya like my technobabble, sailor girl?

Ari Herzog
Ari Herzog

Heh. I'd argue you're not only Google's bitch but you're a Wordpress whore, too. See, you go on about titillating rank but when your blog is hosted on wordpress.com, that's the Wordpress rank, not yours. Not really. The code is theirs. So when you feel that ass slap, it's in the shape of a big W. I suggest if you invest in some of that Google juice and pour the cream of it over Wordpress. You heard me. Buy a domain. Maybe it's seocopywritingreadhead.com. Maybe it's redheadwriting.com. Whatever. And either 301 redirect the domain to your wordpress.com, or spend the money for a pimp and get a wordpress.org. Dya like my technobabble, sailor girl?

Will Paccione
Will Paccione

At the halfway point I couldn't concentrate on the article anymore - my mind... much like yours went into the gutter.

Will Paccione
Will Paccione

At the halfway point I couldn't concentrate on the article anymore - my mind... much like yours went into the gutter.

MSW
MSW

Here's a compromise: How 'bout algorithm, if you'llgorithm? Awesome blog-age.

MSW
MSW

Here's a compromise: How 'bout algorithm, if you'llgorithm? Awesome blog-age.

moon_fly
moon_fly

Did one of ya'll say Cracker Barrel?

moon_fly
moon_fly

Did one of ya'll say Cracker Barrel?

Sigmund
Sigmund

Well, I've never gotten that titillated reading about search algorithms, so point there. I think that's a fair way to characterize Google's fickleness and opaqueness, as well as domination. Good luck with this approach! ;)

Sigmund
Sigmund

Well, I've never gotten that titillated reading about search algorithms, so point there. I think that's a fair way to characterize Google's fickleness and opaqueness, as well as domination. Good luck with this approach! ;)

reflectionandlight
reflectionandlight

OMG the visuals are just too much! HAHA hilarious! Damnit, now I have that song "Smack my Bitch up" stuck in my head! Lee

reflectionandlight
reflectionandlight

OMG the visuals are just too much! HAHA hilarious! Damnit, now I have that song "Smack my Bitch up" stuck in my head! Lee

Dayna
Dayna

"Only difference is that I might look better bent over a desk than you do." Love it!

Dayna
Dayna

"Only difference is that I might look better bent over a desk than you do." Love it!

The Redhead
The Redhead

I'll share as much about whatever I can as possible. And on all fronts :)

The Redhead
The Redhead

Oh, you're a doll :) Thanks for stopping by!

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